thoughts that defy logic

I know they say not to think about it,
That logically everything is alright.
But sitting all alone,
in the cold, dark night,
Is enough to make me lose control,
Enough to make the feelings and thoughts,
Squirm their way into my head.
Logic can't stand up to those feelings and thoughts.
No Friends, No Love,
How can logic stand up to that?
World better off without me,
No one would miss me.
Logic says these are all lies.
But in my heart, they are true.
In my heart,
No one is there for me,
No one cares for me,
Maybe they would be better off without me.
Logically, I know the truth.
I just can't shove the thoughts and feelings out of my head,
Out of my heart.

Lesson learnt the hard way: You can't love without pain..

When you truly love someone, and u open up to that someone to let them get close to the most vulnerable side of you, you risk getting hurt and losing them..when it happens, the pain is so overwhelming and you feel as though you've broken up into a million pieces that cannot be repaired by any1 or anything we do to make ourselves feel better..and we promise not to let ourselves get hurt again or let anyone else get close to us that way..it may not be wise, but it does protect ourselves from going thru it again..it is the only way to continue with life..

stress stress stress

lately..i'm only getting up to 4 hours sleep daily n i'm getting more and more tired as time pass..rushing for thesis and preparing for presentation was no fun..but it's a race to the end..presentation was bad..i screwed up by being too nervous and distracted by ppl who pass by the room..when i looked back onto the presentation slides, i blanked out..i could not remember what i was presenting and what those gel images represent..there goes half my presentation trying to make up words and ideas since what i've remembered and prepared before the presentation has completely disappeared..in my mind at that time for each and every slide = aiks, what is this now? looks familiar but what did i do and why did i do that? so basically i started the presentation ok..but ended badly..Q&A i was still blanked out til i can't understand the questions directed to me..and my examiner was scary >.<

what's worse?? my laptop's adaptor died on me..according to lyn, it was a short circuit..cuz my laptop turn off completely the moment the adaptor died..my heart stopped beating the moment it happened..cuz over the past few weeks i've been relying completely on my laptop to get my thesis work done..my hse pc does not have the windows office 2007 version and it's hard to work with the simple version of word..i feel completely lost and helpless without word 2007..sigh..of all the times it could happen, why now? =/ but at least i've managed to get help from my very reliable friends..one offered to lend me the microsoft office cd, while another offered to lend me her spare adaptor in 2 days time..i feel grateful to be able to get the help i need at this moment..

it's just one of those days..

ever felt that everything you do just isn't good enough? and everything you do just seems pointless and you don't know why you are doing it when it's a waste of time and effort? when what you do can't seem to change things for the better or bring back what was lost? when people around you seem disappointed at you cuz you could not perform up to their expectations? or even when people around you seem to look at you with that expression that you know they are looking down upon you? ever felt as though there is no one truly there for you or care about you when you need someone? and the person closest to you might just be the one that lets you down the most? ever felt so rejected until you just stop allowing yourself to get close to anyone so that no one could hurt that part of you that is vulnerable and no one could see you cry? ever felt that the once so familiar surrounding and the people have turned into something very foreign and distant? ever hide in a place to be alone just to cry because it hurts all the way from inside to the outside? well..i've had these moments lately..and it can be awfully tiring..there are times when i really just feel like letting go of everything, pack up, run away to somewhere new and start anew..and yet..i just can't let go and give up..

i'm the kind of girl who eats garlic bread or onion rings or stuff that girls usually avoid when they are out with guys..i don't eat salad just to watch my weight..i love carbs..i limit the input so i'm not fat because i'm lazy or eat too much, but because my metabolism don't work like how it should work..and my body is built in a way that i gain weight easily..as easily as just taking one large meal would increase my weight by a kg or two..esp at my ass and thighs..so excuse me for being pear-shaped or fat unlike you girls..and i will never grow taller or be stick thin like you all..i can drink lots and take awhile to get drunk because of my slow metabolism as well..i don't get drunk in public like you all and embarrass yourself because of low alcohol tolerance..so stop talking abt me and expect me not to find out thru other ppl..

vague dreams and hopes

It is a painful truth to know that what it seems like a fairy tale story,
Actually never exists..
All those "happily ever after" lines are just..vague in reality..
What seems to be like a bright shining star no longer shines as before..
The light is dimming..
And so are the chances..
And the much anticipated hope..
These are the things being told to me..As i listen, i could not agree more..
Will i really be fine again? I really wonder..

i'm sorry for everything

i guess i screwed up everything..and lost everything..even some1 who was worth more than anything in the world to me..for me, friends come and go all the time as it has always been..only few stayed and cared..even so, i rarely shared any of my thoughts and problems with anyone cuz i'm afraid of losing these few people and what they would think of me..i've always been detached to friends esp when i have problems..but the friend i've lost, well..he was always there for me even when i didn't want to get him involved in my troubles..it's not because he is nothing to me..but because i could not afford to lose him as a friend when he was the only one i could really talk to when i need some1 to share my thoughts with..but to him, i was stubborn and he just can't seem to tolerate me..he's angry at me for not letting him help me..and he's angry at me for alot more reasons..but it's not that i don't want him to help me out..who is dumb enuf to reject their friends help if the situation permits it? but for mine, i had no choice but to face it by myself..not because i don't need him to help me..but because i can't afford to lose more than i already have..each and everytime it hurts so much til the point where i feel so numbed..

This was really touching that i've cried watching it..i've alot to learn from him..cuz at times i feel so broken and i don't know how to stand back up..even til now..

anyways..was looking thru fb and saw a friend post up my ex schoolmate's (my senior) wedding album..I saw Julian and Joshua in there..they are currently all in aussie..and the wedding photos were amazing..the sceneries were so beautiful and the photos were clear..along with a whole bunch of guys in tux..i love guys in tux..esp black tux..as common as it is..Joshua looks very different and much much more mature and good looking than i can remember..not so scrawny anymore..i was drooling >.<

www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2435921&id=805989075#/photo.php?pid=2435901&id=805989075

when a change is needed

i was given a "talk" by one of my closest friend from earlier years who knows me well enough to tell me directly what she thinks of what i'm indirectly doing to myself and what i should do to get out of it all..she reminded me of who i used to be and what has changed me from that person to being a weak hopeless person as i am now..so she basically slap some sense into me and told me to give up the past of mine that has been holding me back from being what i could be..to give up the ppl who hurt me or used me for their own purposes..and i guess she's right..i'll just have to give up all of them..starting by cutting off all contacts and deleting them one by one from my life..so far..went through my fb and msn list and got rid of the whole group of ppl i've been mingling with wrongly..felt a sense of relief after that..in a way..as tho a burden has been lifted..but who else next? been trying to get myself to cut off some ppl..but..why does it ache inside? should i? could i? and would i? maybe after awhile more when it doesnt hurt..but then again..waiting til then might be a bad idea..

note to self: 34 weeks more..

when days are like this..

If there is such thing as Sorrow,
Then let me drown forever in mine,
For as sure as flowers grow,
My life has lost its sunshine.
If there is such thing as Pain,
Then I don't need any balm,
Not even more flicker of hope remain,
There's only this saddening sense of calm.
If there is such thing as Despair,
I will be its reigning king,
I think at times no one care,
For I am just an invisible being.
If there us such thing as Hope,
Then share some with my shattered heart,
There is a tightening around my noose rope,
Any comfort would be a good start.

pasta dinner

This would be my self invented scallop and prawn spaghetti with tomato and cream sauce..with lots of herbs sprinkled on top..me love the smell of those herbs..guess i've found a new hobby to keep me busy these days..

my 1st cupcake baking session

Hands were abit itchy and i was too free..so i've experimented with some cupcake making..of course i would need to give the credit to my friends who sponsored the cost of the cupcakes ingredients..all whom came up with this idea to prep cakes for a friend's birthday..

So i started with the cupcake base which were all the same..tho i've made a chocolate base and also a vanilla sponge cake base..in 2 sizes too..that was the easy part..the decorating part was hell for me since i'm not creative or good in art eversince i was young..the red and pink patterned things are actually sugar pastes..which means they are fully edible..tho they were not cheap..and i've added on some sugar beads that looked like pearls =)

damn it..i've missed out on my sister's keeper..it was out in the cinema months ago and i didn't check..damn damn damn T__T

the 2 movies i'm looking forward to..

There are 2 movies that i really can't wait to watch..one would be the Time Traveler's wife..saw the trailer recently and it was amazing !!! Heard abt the novel from Chian Li i think..apparently it was quite good too..i think i've seen it some time ago in book shops like mph and popular etc at their bestseller's shelves but i didnt pay much attention to it until now.. i tend not to pay attention to things until someone tells me abt it..to think about all the things i've missed out..

anyways..for this movie..there's Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams in there..what's not to like about the movie? a good cast, a good plot and touching scenes..i can't wait..eric bana plays the role of a man with a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel unpredictably..and he was struggling to build a relationship with rachel mcadams who eventually became his wife..but things doesn't seem to be working well with the way he always disappear at times when he is needed..but the trailer made it look awfully touching..




and the other movie that i'm looking forward to would be "my sister's keeper"..read the novel but i wonder how the movie will be like..the plot is another heartwarming and touching one..so it shud be sad movie right? right? so anyways..imagine a scene where a girl (Anna) was brought into the world just for the purpose of donating some organs to her sister (Kate) with leukemia..and she sued her parents for medical emancipation and the rights to her own body..it may seem like she's fighting for her own rights..but there's more to the story to why she sued her parents..now the movie and novel differ mostly at the ending..where in the novel, Anna dies in a car accident after she won the lawsuit and her organs were donated to her sister for the same reasons she was brought to the world..but in the movie..ahem..shud i tell? shud i spoil it for ppl? nah..maybe another time =) but anyways..the plot is quite meaningful..or at least to me..the movie's casts include cameron diaz, alec baldwin, joan cusack etc etc..


anyways..this is the cover of the novel authored by Jodi Picoult..quite a good novel that i've borrowed from my uni's library some time ago

Preettty sooooon I'll update this blog again..

And this time around..i'm gonna change everything..the layouts..the posts..juz to make it completely different from the past..i might even change the blog address or close this to start a new one..

but..it would have to wait til when i have the mood and the time again..for now..i just couldnt find the energy, time and mood to talk abt things and my life..so much has happened in so little time til i'm all burned out..sighhhhh

they say things would turn better with time..but i'm still waiting..or rather, i'm doing things to try make the days better..sometimes i do stupid things that would make things worse..but i don't want to be the person who just sits there and wait for something to change my life..i can't sit still..that's just me..i can't even sit still for an hour in the cinema..so what more when it comes to doing things to make my days better when it sucks so much now?

for now..i'm sorry for abandoning you..again..but then again..i don't go all over promoting my blogs..so no one reads my blog..it's just my rantings here tht may perhaps be a place for me to let out instead of keeping it all in when i have no one else anymore..

yes..i am a serious person..

Your Latte Says You Are Very Serious

When it comes to what you like, you have your own unique tastes. And people don't really understand them. You are a very serious person. You don't have time for silly antics. Intense and energetic, you aren't completely happy unless you are bouncing off the walls. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You're occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree. You are honest and genuine, but you are never tactless.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

Listening to Kate Winslet's song "What If"..the wistful song makes me think of a lot of what-ifs..It's not uncommon for many to think of that, to stop and reflect about how life would have been if we have taken different roads..I know it's good to live life without regrets, but at times it's good to be reflective of how life offers so much possibilities..

random quiz

Your Heart Takes Love Lightly

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

confused

My mind is all over the place..
it's not in one place, it's confusing and rather jumbled-up..I can't get somethings out of my mind, can't release the hold of thoughts have on me..Even as I sit here typing, i realize my brain is all confusing and not working properly..
But how do I use my time to escape from these messed-up thoughts???
Work,work,work..I am going to work my way to death one day I tell you..I feel like a robot sometimes, just working and channeling myself into work to forget many things..
But it's the wrong method..I know that now..*sigh*
Took me long enough..I always run away from my problems..I realize that now..I never face them, just run and avoid thinking about them until disaster strikes..It's rather stupid and careless..but..

there's someone out there..

..who looks like me?

I had it several times before in my life..the first time was way back in primary school when my friend told me excitedly that she knows a junior who looks like me and asked me if i was in any way related to her..Then in high school, there I was randomly having my lunch at a restaurant, when the uncle of the shop came up to me and said i looked like someone he knew..a niece or something..couldn't really recall the conversation..and then in school, i was told by a classmate that i looked awfully much like one of the actress in a HK tvb drama called 风云..not the movie..

when i was in uni..a few girls in my biochem lab previously told me that the girl in desperate housewives who acted as Tom and Lynette's daughter/step-daughter "Kayla" looked like me..but..i really don't think that Rachel Fox look like me or i look like her vice versa..google up her picture n u'll know what i mean..

and the most recent one..i was at watson's paying at the counter when a girl poke me from the side and when i turned to look at her..apparently..she recognized the wrong person and said that i looked like a friend of hers..

there were few other awkward incidences like these as well..
do i really have such a common face? there goes the feeling of being unique as an individual or special..i suddenly feel..common..

a spur-of-the-moment piece

Hey distant lover,
It's been so long since I last saw you..
Are you doing okay?
It's been awhile since I last held you..
Are you still the same?
Hey distant lover,
Are you looking at the sky right now?
I can see it too..
the same blue sky above me and you..
Its getting dark soon where you are,
It'll get dark where I am too..
But even if a star passes by again tonight,
It won't be the same without you..
Hey distant lover,
We'll be meeting soon,
Perhaps somewhere under the moon..
Will you smile when you see me?
Will you laugh and start to tease me?
A promise was made not long ago,
With memories worth more than gold,
And a dream became true,
For the girl who fell in love with you.
Hey distant lover,
My distant lover..
I'll be waiting here for you.

just a dream

found this song quite touching and sad..brought me to tears at some point..maybe i'm just too much of a softie to find a song touching..

9/7/2009

• had late dinner with former college friends at Yuen's steamboat..supposed to meet there at 8pm..but CL was still rushing her work in the office..so i went with Lyn 1st and we reached there around 8.30pm..parking was a slight issue n we ended up parking somewhere that was considerably dark..but at least there was 2 of us..Andrew was the lucky one who got a parking right opposite Yuen..ahem..thanks to us who pointed it out to him else he would have missed it..
• got a table at around 9pm..n CL came a short while later..wanted to try the infamous chicken wings..but those ppl *rolled eyes* were queing for it even before it was replenished..mint ice cream didnt taste like mint at all..another disappointment..
• but seriously, i don't get why everyone is so crazy abt yuen's..it's just like any other normal steamboat places..and it's overpriced..there are similar places in kepong and other places that charge a much lower price, say, ard rm13/head..overall..other than the price and the crowd..the food is only so so..the place looked unkempt..and it was hot cuz we were allocated to a table near the corners where the fan could not reach..am not sure if there was any aircond at all cuz i didnt feel it..ppl were sweating like mad everywhere..
• so i guess for rm20++/head..i would rather go for the new fully air-conditioned steamboat buffet place in kepong..it's a conveyor belt steamboat restaurant..nice concept eh..
• food aside, catching up with old friends was the best part..esp with Andrew and CL since i seldom see them around..

10/7/2009

• went pyramid with Andrew n CL..CL's b'day today ^^ so we sort of had cake at zen..erm..considered a cake gua..tho it was in a glass..
• didnt get to watch public enemies cuz of the timing and the cinema was full even tho we were 10 minutes late for that movie..
• saw David Lim at tgv also trying to decide on what movie to watch cuz of the odd timing..movies were either 2pm++ or 6pm++..and we were stuck in between those times..

random rants

someone once told me that i was a strange and stubborn individualist..hmm..so what if i'm that type of person?

first of all, i do not believe in conformity..why shud i conform to what others believe in or what others do just to fit in or be "normal"..besides, what and who defines how normal a person can be is quite subjective.."normal" is interpreted by the majority who conformed to be "similar" to each other in what they do or behave..and there goes the trend of being normal or so-called cool (which i think it's ridiculous)..seriously..if u're mentally mature enough (regardless of age..cuz i know ppl in their 20s still uses that word =.=) then you wouldn't even bother using the word "cool" to describe a thing or a person..when i was younger and had no sense of individuality, i stupidly attempted to conform just to have more things in common with "normal" ppl so that they would accept me as i presented myself..but being that way and after years of tolerating the loss of individuality and my own ideas, i just don't want to continue being part of the crowd or to fit in..trust me, the "cool" ppl can actually end up being the lamest ppl that u've ever seen in ur life based on what they say or do..you would only realise that when u look back after 20 to 30 years in the future..i'm amused with how ppl in universities and colleges tend to put in so much effort just to fit in to groups and all..of course i wouldn't say it right into their faces, but they look like dogs following their "masters" around..the way they look up to their friends and follow all their ideas completely reminds me of those puppies..only puppies are cute in that sense..don't blame me for using that word, there's even a chinese term to describe ppl like that..ask your friends if you have no clue what is it..but why do ppl allow peer pressure to make them do stupid things in the 1st place? and worst still when ppl decide that they "like" something just because others do..such as religion, clubbing, alcohol and drugs ingestion, shopping for branded stuff, smoking, casual sex and all..the funniest ones that seem to happen alot would be following their friends to take a certain course or which university to attend (seriously..u would let your frens decide ur future for u huh?) and also those who allow ppl to preach them into following a certain religion just because their frens are doing so..point is, why do ppl allow others to help them decide what they want in life and what they should do or like just to fit in? don't you ppl have your own sense and idea of what u want and like in the 1st place? and they said that ppl are mature enough to think at the age limits of 16, 18 or 21 depending on which countries they are from, which is why they set the age limits at that..yeah right..it's so true how mature ppl can be once they hit the age limits =.= the saddest ppl are the ones who subconsciously conforms and do not realize it and still insist that they are non-conformists..

sometimes learning from other ppl's experiences tend to help u learn abt urself..i guess i've been analyzing other ppl's life too much to a point where i don't see why i should do the things they do based on the outcomes shown..and at some point, i actually find it more comfortable to just do or think what i want to think even when i know ppl might dislike me for that..deceiving others is one thing..but hey..at least i'm not deceiving myself..i may compromise and tolerate but i would not conform..i would not allow myself to be restricted by other ppl's ideas and words..there's more to life than just a group of ppl that others try to fit into..we should not restrict our thinking and be manipulated to think the way other ppl thinks..just because you're different doesn't mean that u can't be friends with people with different interests and beliefs..i know that cuz i have friends with all sorts of different interest and ideas and yet we could still sit down for hours to gossip with all the variety of ideas and topics given..surely at times our conversation would run dry, but we still enjoy spending time with each other and esp with good food, movies, entertainments and all to glue us together despite our differences..

updates

2/7/09

• had a movie marathon with Carolyn today..queued for abt 30 minutes or longer at mid valley's gsc..it was a thursday afternoon and i wonder why are they so many ppl..thank goodness it's not school holiday + colleges/uni's sem break..kanasai like that..but at least my student card made it worthwhile =) cheap wei..onli rm14 for 2 movies..but of course..in cineleisure i'll be able to watch 2 movies for rm12..but still..student price is really worth it..
• snuck my mcd's lunch into the cinema..hehe..late lunch but satisfying..i somehow like to sneak outside food into the cinema..shared some pop corn with lyn as well..i rarely eat pop corns..even if i do..i tend to prefer the "lite and sweet"..tried the salty one last time but it was quite tasteless..imagine eating paper..i know my salt n sugar intake is higher than normal okay >.<
• ice age 3 was very funny..must watch for those who have not watch it =)
• krispy kreme was only okay to me..i was expecting way too much based on reviews by other ppl before it was opened in Malaysia..and therefore i find it a little disappointing..the choices were limited..i wonder if it's just the krispy kreme in malaysia that i find disappointing..and i tried the cappuccino kreme..not bad but i couldnt finish one doughnut cuz it was too sweet and therefore sickening after a few bites..lyn had hershey's cookies and cream..i think it was sweeter than the one i had..i'm not sure if it's just me that found it too sweet..but i do admit that i have a limited tolerance towards sweet food..i get sick of sweet food fast..really fast..as fast as after taking a few bites..but when it comes to savoury food..i can eat alooottt..so i guess the whole "girls-have-a-separate-stomach-for-sweet-food" thing doesnt apply to me..perhaps i have a separate stomach for sweet food, but if it's so then that must be one hell of a small stomach for sweet food while they swapped the larger one for the amount of savoury food i can take..or maybe it's psychological..i always feel guilty after eating too much sweet stuff..
• thanks lyn for the sushi supper..jap food ftw !! everywhere i go, i crave jap food..i can take jap food everyday..but in limited amounts..otherwise the guilt comes in and spoils the satisfaction of having a good meal..oh..lyn just realised that i do eat raw meat..just that i avoid ordering salmon cuz i hate raw fish with soft texture like that..i prefer tuna, swordfish or any fish with a tougher texture as tho they were cooked..even when i take raw meat..i tend to cover the fishy smell with lots of wasabi..i love wasabi btw..can nvr just have sushi without wasabi..while having sushi, we were talking abt everything n everyone..and at some point i saw Dr. Anne with her bf/husband..right after we talked abt her..something related with lyn's honours project under her..so initially i thought i was just seeing things til i realised that it was that coincidental..
• aiyor..mid valley has cat and dog exhibition on 3-5th july leh..we went a day earlier and couldnt go see the exhibition pulak..wth >.<

3/7/09

• my pPAL7 vector arrived!! stupid tho..it came right before 5pm..i waited the whole day anxiously just for it >.<>
• i think i'm dehydrating..been feeling hot and weak..and my lips are always dry even when i keep drinking water..maybe my body isn't properly absorbing the water i'm drinking..hope i won't suddenly pengsan in the middle of nowhere tmr..
• right now..i crave spicy food..i crave indian food..i crave the stadium fish head curry in kl..that is the best fish head curry i've ever had..tho i don't eat fish head (the only part of a fish i eat would be the part around the tail..not the head and definitely not the belly area with soft fatty flesh)..but the curry is really good..and the side dishes of fried fish eggs (drooling all over my keyboard now >.<) and fried chicken and also papadum to go along with the curry and rice..i crave spicy food tho i have a slight sore throat..but i think the sore throat is probably cuz i laughed too hard watching ice age 3 and gossiped too much..

the not-so-unconditional love

Love and the whole merry-go-round somehow doesn't really makes sense.
In summary, unconditional love is love at its purest form, where your heart feels like its so full and its just ready to give everything in the world for one person.

A mother's love is one example..When a mother loves a child,its unconditional..Sure, parents are not perfect and once in awhile they expect something from you in exchange for their love (not so unconditional anymore)..So let's give it a new name..It's pure love then..Pure, real love.

I'm not saying other forms of love is not pure. But this is love at its purest form..Loving something or someone without much reasons and not expecting much in return..

Pure love is when you still love that person despite all their flaws and mistakes..
Pure love is when all you want to be is by their side..
Pure love is when you see the person and all you feel is warmth..Like a sip of hot chocolate on a cold rainy day..

Pure love is when you're by their side, the sun is always shining in your radiant smile, and the stars sparkle in your eyes with happiness..

Pure love is when the person walks off to venture on a different path, you hide your tears and despair because all you want to do is ensure they know they have your support..

Pure love is when you know there is a bond between you two that will last forever, a red string (like in the Chinese beliefs) that binds the both of you together..

what i've been listening to on repeats these days

I've been listening to songs by Lenka and Bonnie Mckee lately on repeat..somehow i like songs that are not played on the radio or anywhere i go like some annoying ones..but the ones from Bonnie Mckee is super hard to find..my dumb downloads keep getting stalled after some time..kanasai..Lenka has a soft pure voice that can be quite soothing..but then again, my taste in music is quite different than those of the normal ppl..what i like may not be what others would like..here are a few of her songs that i like =)

my 23rd year on earth..

I'm officially 23..hmm..somehow i feel so much older than that..for awhile i really thought i was supposed to be 24 this yr..i don't know why i lost track of my own age..not that i've been in this world for that long rite..while being confused, my boyfie confused me further by convincing me that my age was 24 this yr..followed by a miscalculation leading me to believe that i'm 24 for a few hours til i started calculating with my fingers again and asking my family members of my age >.< overall i've had one of the best b'days..not much of celebrating..but rather, spending time with my guy before he goes back home for 3 weeks was how i wanted to spend my day..he made my day special..thanks a bunch honey =) lately i've not been a good friend since i was always busy and not keeping in touch much with my friends..i'm so sorry guys..i do feel terribly guilty over it..and so i expected a quiet b'day this yr but being spammed by all the b'day messages on msn, fb and my hp from the start of 12am til the end of my b'day at 11.58pm the next day was awfully touching..Just when i thought it was over, i've received 2 bouquet of roses the next morn..



a pretty mixed bouquet from Xander, John, Marcus and Maxine..






this was from Wai Kien and Hui Teng..



and then..later that day, i've received a courier package from Melbourne with another rose inside..it was a soap carved red rose from lux soap..Thanks alot Kevin..at least this is one rose that will never wilt ^o^













Aww..aren't they precious? i love them so much..thanks a bunch guys =D

i liked the way i was before

i want to be the person i used to be some time ago before things changed me..capable of loving, trusting and being happy..capable of being independent and self-sufficient..and perhaps being able to care at an appropriate point..i liked who i was at that time..the current me seems a little hard to handle and tired of everything around me..the current me needs to stop being insecure and vulnerable..i have to learn to take things as they are and return a reciprocal treatment or response..the current me needs to be smarter in dealing with situations..etc etc etc..i'm in need of a change in my life and it shall start with changing who i am..i want to be the girl i used to be and the girl i used to like being..although she might be distant and cold, but being that way helps me take care of myself emotionally..growing older by a year and after going through rough patches from time to time shud make me a tougher person both on the inside and the outside, and be more mature at my age..i hope..

drama weekend

Currently watching a korean drama titled "Yoo Hee, the witch" or "witch amusement" that was shown on 8tv..but couldn't cope with the long wait so i've watched it from mysoju.com in 3 days..and also..i hated the translated version on 8tv with dumb subtitles..

i liked the cast, not just coz the guys were sooo good looking..but mainly coz i've liked them from highly rated dramas that i've watched some time ago..i can't take my eyes off Dennis Oh (in full: Dennis Joseph O'Neil) who acted as the French chef in the drama..He's an american-korean, this explains a whole damn lot to how good looking he is..just like Daniel Henney (the korean-american hunk who acted in My name's Kim Sam Soon and X-men origins: Wolverine..and also seducing Mr. Perfect and a whole lot of commercial clips)..both of them are tall and so darn good looking, unlike the typical korean pretty boy looks (beh tahan those sissy looks >.<)..the best part is the way they speak perfect english..although Daniel Henney can't speak korean at all, while Dennis struggles with acting in korean..but when u're looking at him, u'll mostly focus on his looks and not the way he speaks korean with a hint of american slang..but slangs make these men sexy, no? the other casts were familiar faces from other korean dramas as well..Han Ga In (i've seen her before in terms of endearment) was the lead girl in "Yoo hee, the witch".."terms of endearment" was another sad drama that depicts the harsh reality of today and reminds us of the sacred meaning of a marriage and the importance of family..it showed how a woman's spouse cheated on her causing her to cheat as well and it ended up with her divorcing him after he found out about her relationship with her first love..and a woman who lived with her bf before marriage and he ends up leaving her (typical..since he was popular with females ever since she met him)..but it's sad to see how much effort she puts into that useless bum and ended up being devastated..but as expected, things ended up good with her first love showing up in her life again..somehow korean dramas seem to like to recycle first loves..Then there was Jae Hee in Yoo Hee the witch as well..he's the guy from "kwae-geol Chun-Hyang"..his actions and facial expressions are always amusing and comedic..as expected from the moment he met yoo hee in the drama, they fell in love after a darn long time (how slow they are in realising their feelings for each other after a million times of feeling jealous when the other person dated other ppl)..but he was such a sweet guy in the drama that u'll feel sad for him whenever u see him get disappointed by her..And then, there was the guy who acted in "Goong" --> Kim Jeong Hoon, a pretty boy with sad eyes and a pained expressions in both drama roles..

i liked the ost for this drama..esp after knowing the lyric translation then it seems quite fitting for Yoo Hee's role..although there were 2 versions for the same song..a sad one and a upbeat one..

our night out to KL for a change

Of all a sudden, someone i've not talked to for a very long time just called me up and asked me and my frens for a drink..so what the heck, i called up a few frens and we went to Luna bar for the 1st time..and also my 1st time drinking cocktails..i know..damn jakun rite..i rarely go down to kl city center for the matter since i prefer places like mont kiara or sri hartamas..and even bangsar..and i rarely drink cocktails since people i go out with tend to drink hard liquor more..so there we were at 9pm, it was a nice restaurant to dine at with yummy pizzas (square thin crusted ones..reminds me of those at flem's cafe in pyramid last time..) and a pretty breathtaking sky view on the 34th floor (a nice view of KL tower and KLCC on different sides)..the main floor of Luna has a swimming pool and there are glass dining cubicles giving diners a 270 degrees view of the city, while the upper deck showed an even better view but it's only open after 10pm for some unknown reasons..and the upper deck had limited bar stools..so it's good that my friend was given the priority since she knew the manager there..the view itself is worth the visit..the italian pizza (with pepperoni and grilled mushroom and mozarella cheese toppins..) was great..the salmon pizza and cheese pizza was decent..

overall it was a very nice place to hang out with friends before 10pm..good pizzas, nice city view, comfy..it doesnt matter if conversation runs dry since we're relaxing that way..it's a restaurant bar before 10pm and after that it changes into a clubbing atmosphere..but the good thing is, diners do not have to pay a cover charge while clubbers have to..there was a wide range of cocktails and mocktails there..honestly..i tot that long island iced tea was a non-alcoholic tea drink coz of the name..and also the long beach iced tea..and so, i sipped a little and it was sweet, fruity and i tot there was a hint of alcohol in it..so what the heck rite, i ordered 2 of each since it was too yummy to stop drinking..until it hit me and i started feeling funny esp when i stood up n couldnt feel my legs..that's when i realised that those 2 drinks were really strong..the best part was that my mind's still sharp and clear tho my limbs were uncontrollable..my fren suggested for me to try an even stronger one, the "zombie"..it was another fruity alcoholic drink with a few different rums, sugar syrup, citrus taste..and then he suggested another one, the "irish car bomb" that was a mix of whiskey with irish cream or the bartender said something about whiskey + Bailey's + guinness..he told us to chug it down the moment it starts to foam else it will start to curdle..it tasted abit like choc milk..yummy..so i had another one..apparently this was stronger than the other 3 drinks i had earlier..that's when i sat down and stoned for half an hour til i felt better..and then..my frens asked the bartender for an even stronger one..now this one had a strange name --> "adios mother fucker" (=.=")..i think i saw the bartender pouring in some sprite or 7up, with vodka, rum, tequila, gin, sour mix and something called blue curacao (i have no idea at all what is it but that's was labelled on the bottle i saw)..apparently the soft drink's carbonation enhances the effect..after that drink, we were near k.o..it was just 12 that time..so imagine what a bunch of alcoholics we were to drink so much within 3 hours..i wonder how bad is the extent of my brain damage on that nite itself..hmm..but at least i like the treatment we got there since we managed to get pizzas and drinks that were on the house cuz of my frens and the bartender..otherwise i would be too cheapskate to go to a place like this..

here and now

"Life is about trusting your feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, learning from the past, and realizing people change.."

Memories live only in the single moment from which they are born.
We cannot relive the moments in a memory.
We can only remember we once had them.
Which is why I am afraid..
I am afraid of receiving good things because someday i will lose them.
I am afraid of living good times because i will thereafter miss them.
I am afraid of happy moments because the sad ones last much longer.
I am afraid that it would hurt me so deeply til i can no longer find the courage to be strong and go through it.
Perhaps someday, a dream will come true
And prayers will be answered,
With all our wishes granted,
And someday, one day,
Good things will stay,
With me, with you..

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"If the people we love can no longer be with us..the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them."
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Just finished watching 5 Centimeters per Second by Makoto Shinkai..


For anime fans..please download..
For romance film suckers..please download..
For those who have been distanced..please download..

Because..

..It made me cry..

How many of us have lost precious moments due to distance?
How many of us have lost precious relationships due to circumstances?
Nothing really lasts forever..


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Theme Song for the animation was, "One more time, one more chance"
Written and Performed by: Masayoshi Yamazaki

==============================Lyrics==============================
How much more do I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pains do I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time, when we were messing around
Whenever we disagreed, I would always give in first
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories restrain my steps
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination
I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight
If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, fade not.
One more time, when we were messing around
I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said: "I love you."
The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared
I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight
I'm always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a traveller's store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said: "I love you."
I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
I would want nothing else
Besides you, nothing else matters

if you love someone..

Read this from somewhere and i find it interesting..


THE ORIGINAL VERSION

If you love someone, Set him free...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, it was never meant to be....

THE NEW VERSIONS:

The Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, as expected, he never was.
Whatever gave you the idea that he would
anyway?

The Optimist:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
Don't worry, he'll come back.

The Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, ask him why.

The Impatient:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
If he doesn't come back within a week
forget it.

The Statisticians :
If you love someone, Set him free,
If he loves you, the probability of him
coming back is high.
If he doesn't, your relation was
improbable anyway.

The Patient:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
If he doesn't come back put your life on
hold and sit and wait.

The Playful:
If you love someone, Set him free ...
If he comes back, and if you love him still,
set him free again, repeat*

The Human Ecologist:
If you love someone, Set him free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set him free,
If he comes back, I think we can charge
him for re-installation fees and
tell him that he's also going to get an upgrade.

The Biologist :
If you love someone, Set him free, He'll evolve.

The Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set him free,
HE'LL BE BACK!

The Overpossessive:
If you love someone,
don't set him free.

The FBI agent:
If you love someone, set him free.
Then put bug on his phone and
surveillance cameras in his house.

The Pathetic:
If you love someone, set him free.
Who wants to be stuck with a loser like
you anyway?

The Lawyer:
If you love someone, set him free.
Then sue him for emotional distress.

The Psycho:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he doesn't come back shoot him.

The Creepy Sociopath:
If you love someone, stalk him.

The C++ programmer:
IF
you love someone
THEN
set him free
END IT UNTIL he comes back

meaningful

1. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile.

2. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don’t be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.

3. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want
to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life.

4. May you have…Enough happiness to make you sweet..Enough trials to make you strong..Enough sorrow to keep you human..Enough hope to make you happy..And enough money to keep you comfortable.

5. When one door of happiness closes, another opens. But we often took so
long at the closed door, that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.

6. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never saying a word and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.

7. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s
also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

8. Always put yourself in other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably does hurt the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle a strife; A cruel word may wreck a life;
A timely word may level stress; A lovely word may heal and bless.

10. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves
and not to twist them with our own image, otherwise we love only the
reflection of ourselves we find in them.

11. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of
everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way.

12. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right
one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be
grateful for that gift.

13. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone
and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

14. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have
searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the
importance of people who have touched their lives.

15. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and
find out you still care for that person.

16. A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot
to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you
just have to let go.

17. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.

18. Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed,
to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, need to love
those who still love, even though they’ve been hurt before.

19. It hurts to love someone, and not to be loved in return but what is most
painful is to love someone and never finds the courage to let the person
know how you feel.

20. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You
can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

21. Never say goodbye when you still want to try; Never give up when you
still feel you can take it; Never say you don’t love that person anymore
when you can’t let go.

22. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love
you back. Don’t expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their
hearts but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.

after weeks of not being in the lab, i was so lost the moment i set foot in my research lab..my stuff were all unrecognizable and in fact some were used andkept the wrong way..i have a strange OCD towards sharing stuff..i wouldn't mind sharing unless a person keeps it neat n put things back the way it was before..but goin back to the lab and having everything all messed up til i can barely recognise my stuff really irks me..took me a day to clean up and prepare my things before i can start working on my project..well at least now i have more work space and equipments since my senior has completed his honours research =) as for my project, i'm stil waiting for my cloning kit and vectors..they said it would be here around early june and i'm stil waiting..stupid BIORAD!!! you and your agents !! i don't have that much time to wait anymore u big-time idiots..

pray that i can complete my project with decent results in time..else i'm not sure if there's such thing as deferring an honours project =.=

hmm..my right eye has been twitching occasionally today..scientifically, there are various causes to involuntary eye muscle spasm that leads to eye-twitching..Eye twitching is believed to be caused by an abnormal functioning of certain nerve areas located at the base of the brain which control the coordination of muscle movements. other common causes include stress + fatigue, irritation of the cornea/conjuntiva, nervous system disorder, lack of sleep and prolonged staring at tv/computer screen, excessive intake of caffeine..hmm..for me, i think it would be a combination of lack of sleep, prolonged staring at tv + comp screens, stress and fatigue, and excessive intake of caffeine..tho i remember a fren telling me that right eye twitching is bad for females..i don't remember how the superstition went so i googled it up..i was amused when i saw this forum post abt a person asking abt the superstition since his/her eye has been twitching for 2 weeks already, where someone replied and said "If your eye has been twitching for two weeks please see a doctor about it"..how can someone be more concern abt the superstition after 2 weeks of eye-twitching? it must be really irritating for it to twitch that long rite..but at the end of the day, i stil believe in the scientific explanation more =D


Eyelid Twitching Superstitions and Myths:
Millions of people suffer from eye twitching – in some it may be intermittent, brought on by a sudden increase of stress or sleeplessness. In others, it’s more pronounced and can interfere with day to day life. Regardless of which category a person falls into, there’s a goldmine of superstitions that revolve around eye twitching. In fact eye twitching ranks up there with itchy palms and hiccups as the most superstition prone condition! Each culture seems to have its own take on the deeper significance of eye twitching.In China for instance, where superstitions and myths frequently cross over into modern living, the chief superstition seems to be that a twitch in the right eye signifies good luck, maybe a major windfall. A twitch in the left eye? Not so good. It’s a bad omen; a sign of ill luck headed your way! The entire situation seems to turn around in the case of females; for them, a twitching left eye signifies good luck while a twitching right one is a strict no no! - I hope this is not true! Even among the Chinese, there seem to be as many superstitions regarding eye twitching as the sufferers themselves.There is even a superstition based on an anatomical break down of the eye. A twitch in the lower left eyelid means you can expect to cry soon while a corresponding one in the right eyelid means good fortune is headed your way. There’s yet another one that claims a twitching eyelid means someone is gossiping about you. I think it would be pretty cool to always good to know the exact moment when your enemies are bad mouthing you. In any case, all these mental calisthenics figuring out whether an eye twitch means you’re going to win the lottery or have the sky fall on your head, will probably give you enough stress to trigger off a whole new series of twitches!

Next to the Chinese, the Indians are the Olympic champions when it comes to superstitions. The commonly believed one here is just the opposite of the Chinese version. Here a twitching left eye is definitely a good omen, while a twitching right one is considered inauspicious. The Nigerians go with the Chinese version. Left eye – bad. Right eye – Good. Another superstition is a little more frightening than the above. It’s not clear where this one comes from, but according to it a twitching left eye means there’s soon going to be a death in the family. A twitching right one on the other hand means an impending birth.To the Hawaiians, an eye twitch can either mean the arrival of a stranger, or that you’re soon going to mourn for someone.In Cameroon and some other parts of Africa, a twitching lower eyelid means you will soon shed tears. As far as superstitions go, this one is quite scientific. Tears normally flow from the corner of the lower eyelid. Still on Africa, when the upper eyelid twitches, it’s a sure sign you’re going to meet someone you didn’t expect to see. This one’s also connected to anatomical science, it seems. Surprise and amazement are normally expressed in humans by the raising of the upper eyelids.

Source from: http://www.twitchingeyelids.com/

24 things i've learned

i found this while surfing around fb..somehow it makes alot of sense..tho i've editted some of it since some didnt really mean much and they were more like fillers..but i couldnt find the name of the author of this piece..so i sort of paraphrase it abit so that no one will accuse me of plagarism or copyright infringement..


I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned that it takes just a sentence of word said to me by just one person can make my day. I've learned that being kind is sometimes more important than being right.
I've learned that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned that God didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

This i dedicate to my friends..with all my heart..


Portrait of a friend:

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you, and together we can seek answers.

I can't change your past with all its heartache and pain, nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine.
Yet I can share in your laughter and joy.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge.
I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you.
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting.
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

how do kids intepret love

i came across something that caught my attention awhile ago..apparently, a group of professional people (i dunno what sort of professionals were they referring to..) posted a question to a group of 4-8 yr olds.."what does love mean?"..and some of the answers obtained were broader and deeper than anyone could imagine based on their age..
(those highlighted in red are my personal favourites..)


"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."