*sigh*

wish there was an earthquake wherever i am, just so to create a hole that would swallow me up and no one else would be able to find me ever again..

weekly updates

#1. my honours project has been good so far..but until yesterday..apparently there was an error in my primer design until i have to start all over again with new materials and it would take at least a month to get those..2 months of effort gone, just like that..

#2. my dog killed my guinea pig..my fault mainly for not taking good care and watching my guinea pig til it jumped off me while i was carrying it and ran towards my dog and my dog killed it within a min or less..

#3. physically unwell..

#4. financially broke..and owing my friend money..

#5. bf still unhappy at me since that issue..

#6. been fighting with my sis and got scolded by dad who's always think it's my fault..bloody crap..more reasons for me to want to leave home after i get a job and have enuf money..away from being controlled and all..

more regrets and heartaches..

was surprised that an old acquantance of mine chatted me up on msn awhile ago..apparently he's working and staying in ss2 now..and more coincidentally, he's working at yi peng and yi mei's father's workplace..we used to be close frens abt 2-3 yrs ago..until we just stopped contacting each other as we got busy with our studies n relationships..i was even more surprised tht he's in alot of dilemma now with his gf, whom he planned to break up with and she's now pregnant..so i shared my experience with him and offered some advice..until he asked abt my current relationship..somehow..i started crying when i talked abt it..abt how stupid i was to listen to someone else's words and said things i didnt mean and more stupidity until my bf doesn't love me much anymore as he used to..when i think abt the past few months..i would say that it's the happiest i've ever been in the past few relationships..and i was dumb enuf to not realise how much i love this one person til i ruined things that may not be mendable..but who else is there to blame other than myself for being afraid of getting hurt til i listened to the other party and let myself have doubts just so that i can "prepare myself for the worst" and reduce the amount of pain that would come from it? i've had the most loving bf ever..until i lost that part of him..if only things could go back to how it was before when we were both happy and very much in love..back to my most cherished moments..

wishing that the earth would just swallow me up and i would cease to exist again..This is just something i feel at the moment and has nothing to do with what i'm gonna post up..

if only life could be easier..but it would never be..no one said that life would be easy..unless of cuz u're born in a good family with a large fortune to be inherited..or something like that where things are easy..but other than those minorities, most of us do not have the luxury to live an easy life with no worries..as we age and begin the transition to adulthood, things get more complicated and there would be responsibilities, burdens, expectations etc..so why are we so complex to begin with? even after going thru everything and fighting for everything we want, we would still end up leaving this world anyways..after a long day visiting my ancestors' graves at 2 places, this occured to me while i was sitting down on the floor looking at the millions and thousands of graves..many of the graves were "booked", at least half of them at nirvana memorial park..these days, ppl already have graves waiting for them even when they are still young, healthy or alive..it was as if ppl were buying "condos" and "houses" for their remains after they die.."condos" are those for the cremated; while "houses" with land are for those who end up being buried..typical asians for being "kiasu" even until they die..must choose land with good feng shui and location..even though it was part of the culture, i hated the burning of all the papers and plastic bags (the worst !!) that would occur over the next 2 weeks..the way i see it..assimilation between the 2 religions over the past centuries due to various factors are seen today where ppl are confused abt the difference between taoism and buddhism..so they tend to mix up the practices and all..this shows that ppl just accept the believes or practices that were passed down to them without thinking and finding out the differences and all..

in a way..i feel that life is fragile and we do not know how long we could live..there are times that i wish i could just cease to exist in this world..away from all the responsibilities, the expectations and the pain that is so unbearable..i tend to wonder..how would life be like as an organism that isn't as complex as humans..or how would life be on the "other side"? would it take the pain away?

mistakes, regrets and a whole lot of heartache

i once thought that i knew what a heartache was..and how bad it could be..back when i was hurt by my ex..but that was then..i haven't felt that way until these few days..but somehow it felt worse than what i've ever felt before..maybe cuz back then i knew it was not my fault for being hurt..but this time around..nothing could hurt more knowing that it was my mistakes that caused my own heartache this time..knowing that it's my own fault makes it worse and more painful in a way..but it's something i would have to deal with and hold onto the hope that as time pass, things would turn better and be the same for us again..back when we were happy and when he loved me..i promised myself to stop being an emotional wreck in front of him cuz i don't want him to see me that way anymore..to see me in a way that would make him feel repulsed and change even more..pray that i would have the strength to go thru this and appear fine and normal to everyone around me no matter what i feel within..right now..i'm holding onto the little remaining feelings he still has for me..if i lose that..i know i would lose him completely..

my mistakes

because of what i did, i've nearly lost what was precious to me..and this is something i have to deal with..along with the heartache and the fear of losing him completely..but to know that he's stil here for me although feelings have faded is both a comfort and a heartache..a comfort because he still sticks around after all that i've put him through..and a heartache because my mistakes have caused me to lose a big part of him..but to be given a chance to try make it work once more, it's the only thing i can place my hopes on..if only i could realised my mistakes long before yesterday..just so that i wouldn't have hurt him in a way that led us to where we are at this moment..but who is there to blame other than myself? But i guess the harder i try to make it work, the more distant he becomes and the sooner it would fail..and i'm not ready to accept this loss..i had something good for once in my life and i was stupid enuf to ruin things by being insecure and easily affected by the words of others..the worst part is knowing that what's lost may never return again and yet hoping for it to work out or waiting for it to fall apart completely..but at this point, i guess i finally realised what's important to me and only time can tell whether i could be forgiven for my mistakes and be loved again..

i've learnt that love is accepting things for the good of that person even if it hurts you, even if you fight it every once in awhile..when the simplest thing can turn into a lasting memory and knowing that no matter what happens between the two of you he will always be that special someone you hold in your heart for always..It's when you fall in love all over again just thinking abt him and remembering all the memories you have made with him..those memories lasts forever..you sit there thinking abt all the times u were side by side..it's when u can feel their presence when u close your eyes..but when u try to reach for them,you feel them slipping away..