it's just one of those days..

ever felt that everything you do just isn't good enough? and everything you do just seems pointless and you don't know why you are doing it when it's a waste of time and effort? when what you do can't seem to change things for the better or bring back what was lost? when people around you seem disappointed at you cuz you could not perform up to their expectations? or even when people around you seem to look at you with that expression that you know they are looking down upon you? ever felt as though there is no one truly there for you or care about you when you need someone? and the person closest to you might just be the one that lets you down the most? ever felt so rejected until you just stop allowing yourself to get close to anyone so that no one could hurt that part of you that is vulnerable and no one could see you cry? ever felt that the once so familiar surrounding and the people have turned into something very foreign and distant? ever hide in a place to be alone just to cry because it hurts all the way from inside to the outside? well..i've had these moments lately..and it can be awfully tiring..there are times when i really just feel like letting go of everything, pack up, run away to somewhere new and start anew..and yet..i just can't let go and give up..

i'm the kind of girl who eats garlic bread or onion rings or stuff that girls usually avoid when they are out with guys..i don't eat salad just to watch my weight..i love carbs..i limit the input so i'm not fat because i'm lazy or eat too much, but because my metabolism don't work like how it should work..and my body is built in a way that i gain weight easily..as easily as just taking one large meal would increase my weight by a kg or two..esp at my ass and thighs..so excuse me for being pear-shaped or fat unlike you girls..and i will never grow taller or be stick thin like you all..i can drink lots and take awhile to get drunk because of my slow metabolism as well..i don't get drunk in public like you all and embarrass yourself because of low alcohol tolerance..so stop talking abt me and expect me not to find out thru other ppl..

vague dreams and hopes

It is a painful truth to know that what it seems like a fairy tale story,
Actually never exists..
All those "happily ever after" lines are just..vague in reality..
What seems to be like a bright shining star no longer shines as before..
The light is dimming..
And so are the chances..
And the much anticipated hope..
These are the things being told to me..As i listen, i could not agree more..
Will i really be fine again? I really wonder..

i'm sorry for everything

i guess i screwed up everything..and lost everything..even some1 who was worth more than anything in the world to me..for me, friends come and go all the time as it has always been..only few stayed and cared..even so, i rarely shared any of my thoughts and problems with anyone cuz i'm afraid of losing these few people and what they would think of me..i've always been detached to friends esp when i have problems..but the friend i've lost, well..he was always there for me even when i didn't want to get him involved in my troubles..it's not because he is nothing to me..but because i could not afford to lose him as a friend when he was the only one i could really talk to when i need some1 to share my thoughts with..but to him, i was stubborn and he just can't seem to tolerate me..he's angry at me for not letting him help me..and he's angry at me for alot more reasons..but it's not that i don't want him to help me out..who is dumb enuf to reject their friends help if the situation permits it? but for mine, i had no choice but to face it by myself..not because i don't need him to help me..but because i can't afford to lose more than i already have..each and everytime it hurts so much til the point where i feel so numbed..

This was really touching that i've cried watching it..i've alot to learn from him..cuz at times i feel so broken and i don't know how to stand back up..even til now..

anyways..was looking thru fb and saw a friend post up my ex schoolmate's (my senior) wedding album..I saw Julian and Joshua in there..they are currently all in aussie..and the wedding photos were amazing..the sceneries were so beautiful and the photos were clear..along with a whole bunch of guys in tux..i love guys in tux..esp black tux..as common as it is..Joshua looks very different and much much more mature and good looking than i can remember..not so scrawny anymore..i was drooling >.<

www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2435921&id=805989075#/photo.php?pid=2435901&id=805989075

when a change is needed

i was given a "talk" by one of my closest friend from earlier years who knows me well enough to tell me directly what she thinks of what i'm indirectly doing to myself and what i should do to get out of it all..she reminded me of who i used to be and what has changed me from that person to being a weak hopeless person as i am now..so she basically slap some sense into me and told me to give up the past of mine that has been holding me back from being what i could be..to give up the ppl who hurt me or used me for their own purposes..and i guess she's right..i'll just have to give up all of them..starting by cutting off all contacts and deleting them one by one from my life..so far..went through my fb and msn list and got rid of the whole group of ppl i've been mingling with wrongly..felt a sense of relief after that..in a way..as tho a burden has been lifted..but who else next? been trying to get myself to cut off some ppl..but..why does it ache inside? should i? could i? and would i? maybe after awhile more when it doesnt hurt..but then again..waiting til then might be a bad idea..

note to self: 34 weeks more..

when days are like this..

If there is such thing as Sorrow,
Then let me drown forever in mine,
For as sure as flowers grow,
My life has lost its sunshine.
If there is such thing as Pain,
Then I don't need any balm,
Not even more flicker of hope remain,
There's only this saddening sense of calm.
If there is such thing as Despair,
I will be its reigning king,
I think at times no one care,
For I am just an invisible being.
If there us such thing as Hope,
Then share some with my shattered heart,
There is a tightening around my noose rope,
Any comfort would be a good start.

pasta dinner

This would be my self invented scallop and prawn spaghetti with tomato and cream sauce..with lots of herbs sprinkled on top..me love the smell of those herbs..guess i've found a new hobby to keep me busy these days..

my 1st cupcake baking session

Hands were abit itchy and i was too free..so i've experimented with some cupcake making..of course i would need to give the credit to my friends who sponsored the cost of the cupcakes ingredients..all whom came up with this idea to prep cakes for a friend's birthday..

So i started with the cupcake base which were all the same..tho i've made a chocolate base and also a vanilla sponge cake base..in 2 sizes too..that was the easy part..the decorating part was hell for me since i'm not creative or good in art eversince i was young..the red and pink patterned things are actually sugar pastes..which means they are fully edible..tho they were not cheap..and i've added on some sugar beads that looked like pearls =)

damn it..i've missed out on my sister's keeper..it was out in the cinema months ago and i didn't check..damn damn damn T__T

the 2 movies i'm looking forward to..

There are 2 movies that i really can't wait to watch..one would be the Time Traveler's wife..saw the trailer recently and it was amazing !!! Heard abt the novel from Chian Li i think..apparently it was quite good too..i think i've seen it some time ago in book shops like mph and popular etc at their bestseller's shelves but i didnt pay much attention to it until now.. i tend not to pay attention to things until someone tells me abt it..to think about all the things i've missed out..

anyways..for this movie..there's Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams in there..what's not to like about the movie? a good cast, a good plot and touching scenes..i can't wait..eric bana plays the role of a man with a genetic disorder that causes him to time travel unpredictably..and he was struggling to build a relationship with rachel mcadams who eventually became his wife..but things doesn't seem to be working well with the way he always disappear at times when he is needed..but the trailer made it look awfully touching..




and the other movie that i'm looking forward to would be "my sister's keeper"..read the novel but i wonder how the movie will be like..the plot is another heartwarming and touching one..so it shud be sad movie right? right? so anyways..imagine a scene where a girl (Anna) was brought into the world just for the purpose of donating some organs to her sister (Kate) with leukemia..and she sued her parents for medical emancipation and the rights to her own body..it may seem like she's fighting for her own rights..but there's more to the story to why she sued her parents..now the movie and novel differ mostly at the ending..where in the novel, Anna dies in a car accident after she won the lawsuit and her organs were donated to her sister for the same reasons she was brought to the world..but in the movie..ahem..shud i tell? shud i spoil it for ppl? nah..maybe another time =) but anyways..the plot is quite meaningful..or at least to me..the movie's casts include cameron diaz, alec baldwin, joan cusack etc etc..


anyways..this is the cover of the novel authored by Jodi Picoult..quite a good novel that i've borrowed from my uni's library some time ago