mistakes, regrets and a whole lot of heartache

i once thought that i knew what a heartache was..and how bad it could be..back when i was hurt by my ex..but that was then..i haven't felt that way until these few days..but somehow it felt worse than what i've ever felt before..maybe cuz back then i knew it was not my fault for being hurt..but this time around..nothing could hurt more knowing that it was my mistakes that caused my own heartache this time..knowing that it's my own fault makes it worse and more painful in a way..but it's something i would have to deal with and hold onto the hope that as time pass, things would turn better and be the same for us again..back when we were happy and when he loved me..i promised myself to stop being an emotional wreck in front of him cuz i don't want him to see me that way anymore..to see me in a way that would make him feel repulsed and change even more..pray that i would have the strength to go thru this and appear fine and normal to everyone around me no matter what i feel within..right now..i'm holding onto the little remaining feelings he still has for me..if i lose that..i know i would lose him completely..