thoughts that defy logic

I know they say not to think about it,
That logically everything is alright.
But sitting all alone,
in the cold, dark night,
Is enough to make me lose control,
Enough to make the feelings and thoughts,
Squirm their way into my head.
Logic can't stand up to those feelings and thoughts.
No Friends, No Love,
How can logic stand up to that?
World better off without me,
No one would miss me.
Logic says these are all lies.
But in my heart, they are true.
In my heart,
No one is there for me,
No one cares for me,
Maybe they would be better off without me.
Logically, I know the truth.
I just can't shove the thoughts and feelings out of my head,
Out of my heart.

Lesson learnt the hard way: You can't love without pain..

When you truly love someone, and u open up to that someone to let them get close to the most vulnerable side of you, you risk getting hurt and losing them..when it happens, the pain is so overwhelming and you feel as though you've broken up into a million pieces that cannot be repaired by any1 or anything we do to make ourselves feel better..and we promise not to let ourselves get hurt again or let anyone else get close to us that way..it may not be wise, but it does protect ourselves from going thru it again..it is the only way to continue with life..

stress stress stress

lately..i'm only getting up to 4 hours sleep daily n i'm getting more and more tired as time pass..rushing for thesis and preparing for presentation was no fun..but it's a race to the end..presentation was bad..i screwed up by being too nervous and distracted by ppl who pass by the room..when i looked back onto the presentation slides, i blanked out..i could not remember what i was presenting and what those gel images represent..there goes half my presentation trying to make up words and ideas since what i've remembered and prepared before the presentation has completely disappeared..in my mind at that time for each and every slide = aiks, what is this now? looks familiar but what did i do and why did i do that? so basically i started the presentation ok..but ended badly..Q&A i was still blanked out til i can't understand the questions directed to me..and my examiner was scary >.<

what's worse?? my laptop's adaptor died on me..according to lyn, it was a short circuit..cuz my laptop turn off completely the moment the adaptor died..my heart stopped beating the moment it happened..cuz over the past few weeks i've been relying completely on my laptop to get my thesis work done..my hse pc does not have the windows office 2007 version and it's hard to work with the simple version of word..i feel completely lost and helpless without word 2007..sigh..of all the times it could happen, why now? =/ but at least i've managed to get help from my very reliable friends..one offered to lend me the microsoft office cd, while another offered to lend me her spare adaptor in 2 days time..i feel grateful to be able to get the help i need at this moment..

it's just one of those days..

ever felt that everything you do just isn't good enough? and everything you do just seems pointless and you don't know why you are doing it when it's a waste of time and effort? when what you do can't seem to change things for the better or bring back what was lost? when people around you seem disappointed at you cuz you could not perform up to their expectations? or even when people around you seem to look at you with that expression that you know they are looking down upon you? ever felt as though there is no one truly there for you or care about you when you need someone? and the person closest to you might just be the one that lets you down the most? ever felt so rejected until you just stop allowing yourself to get close to anyone so that no one could hurt that part of you that is vulnerable and no one could see you cry? ever felt that the once so familiar surrounding and the people have turned into something very foreign and distant? ever hide in a place to be alone just to cry because it hurts all the way from inside to the outside? well..i've had these moments lately..and it can be awfully tiring..there are times when i really just feel like letting go of everything, pack up, run away to somewhere new and start anew..and yet..i just can't let go and give up..

i'm the kind of girl who eats garlic bread or onion rings or stuff that girls usually avoid when they are out with guys..i don't eat salad just to watch my weight..i love carbs..i limit the input so i'm not fat because i'm lazy or eat too much, but because my metabolism don't work like how it should work..and my body is built in a way that i gain weight easily..as easily as just taking one large meal would increase my weight by a kg or two..esp at my ass and thighs..so excuse me for being pear-shaped or fat unlike you girls..and i will never grow taller or be stick thin like you all..i can drink lots and take awhile to get drunk because of my slow metabolism as well..i don't get drunk in public like you all and embarrass yourself because of low alcohol tolerance..so stop talking abt me and expect me not to find out thru other ppl..

vague dreams and hopes

It is a painful truth to know that what it seems like a fairy tale story,
Actually never exists..
All those "happily ever after" lines are just..vague in reality..
What seems to be like a bright shining star no longer shines as before..
The light is dimming..
And so are the chances..
And the much anticipated hope..
These are the things being told to me..As i listen, i could not agree more..
Will i really be fine again? I really wonder..

i'm sorry for everything

i guess i screwed up everything..and lost everything..even some1 who was worth more than anything in the world to me..for me, friends come and go all the time as it has always been..only few stayed and cared..even so, i rarely shared any of my thoughts and problems with anyone cuz i'm afraid of losing these few people and what they would think of me..i've always been detached to friends esp when i have problems..but the friend i've lost, well..he was always there for me even when i didn't want to get him involved in my troubles..it's not because he is nothing to me..but because i could not afford to lose him as a friend when he was the only one i could really talk to when i need some1 to share my thoughts with..but to him, i was stubborn and he just can't seem to tolerate me..he's angry at me for not letting him help me..and he's angry at me for alot more reasons..but it's not that i don't want him to help me out..who is dumb enuf to reject their friends help if the situation permits it? but for mine, i had no choice but to face it by myself..not because i don't need him to help me..but because i can't afford to lose more than i already have..each and everytime it hurts so much til the point where i feel so numbed..

This was really touching that i've cried watching it..i've alot to learn from him..cuz at times i feel so broken and i don't know how to stand back up..even til now..

anyways..was looking thru fb and saw a friend post up my ex schoolmate's (my senior) wedding album..I saw Julian and Joshua in there..they are currently all in aussie..and the wedding photos were amazing..the sceneries were so beautiful and the photos were clear..along with a whole bunch of guys in tux..i love guys in tux..esp black tux..as common as it is..Joshua looks very different and much much more mature and good looking than i can remember..not so scrawny anymore..i was drooling >.<

www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2435921&id=805989075#/photo.php?pid=2435901&id=805989075

when a change is needed

i was given a "talk" by one of my closest friend from earlier years who knows me well enough to tell me directly what she thinks of what i'm indirectly doing to myself and what i should do to get out of it all..she reminded me of who i used to be and what has changed me from that person to being a weak hopeless person as i am now..so she basically slap some sense into me and told me to give up the past of mine that has been holding me back from being what i could be..to give up the ppl who hurt me or used me for their own purposes..and i guess she's right..i'll just have to give up all of them..starting by cutting off all contacts and deleting them one by one from my life..so far..went through my fb and msn list and got rid of the whole group of ppl i've been mingling with wrongly..felt a sense of relief after that..in a way..as tho a burden has been lifted..but who else next? been trying to get myself to cut off some ppl..but..why does it ache inside? should i? could i? and would i? maybe after awhile more when it doesnt hurt..but then again..waiting til then might be a bad idea..

note to self: 34 weeks more..

when days are like this..

If there is such thing as Sorrow,
Then let me drown forever in mine,
For as sure as flowers grow,
My life has lost its sunshine.
If there is such thing as Pain,
Then I don't need any balm,
Not even more flicker of hope remain,
There's only this saddening sense of calm.
If there is such thing as Despair,
I will be its reigning king,
I think at times no one care,
For I am just an invisible being.
If there us such thing as Hope,
Then share some with my shattered heart,
There is a tightening around my noose rope,
Any comfort would be a good start.