mistakes, regrets and a whole lot of heartache

i once thought that i knew what a heartache was..and how bad it could be..back when i was hurt by my ex..but that was then..i haven't felt that way until these few days..but somehow it felt worse than what i've ever felt before..maybe cuz back then i knew it was not my fault for being hurt..but this time around..nothing could hurt more knowing that it was my mistakes that caused my own heartache this time..knowing that it's my own fault makes it worse and more painful in a way..but it's something i would have to deal with and hold onto the hope that as time pass, things would turn better and be the same for us again..back when we were happy and when he loved me..i promised myself to stop being an emotional wreck in front of him cuz i don't want him to see me that way anymore..to see me in a way that would make him feel repulsed and change even more..pray that i would have the strength to go thru this and appear fine and normal to everyone around me no matter what i feel within..right now..i'm holding onto the little remaining feelings he still has for me..if i lose that..i know i would lose him completely..

my mistakes

because of what i did, i've nearly lost what was precious to me..and this is something i have to deal with..along with the heartache and the fear of losing him completely..but to know that he's stil here for me although feelings have faded is both a comfort and a heartache..a comfort because he still sticks around after all that i've put him through..and a heartache because my mistakes have caused me to lose a big part of him..but to be given a chance to try make it work once more, it's the only thing i can place my hopes on..if only i could realised my mistakes long before yesterday..just so that i wouldn't have hurt him in a way that led us to where we are at this moment..but who is there to blame other than myself? But i guess the harder i try to make it work, the more distant he becomes and the sooner it would fail..and i'm not ready to accept this loss..i had something good for once in my life and i was stupid enuf to ruin things by being insecure and easily affected by the words of others..the worst part is knowing that what's lost may never return again and yet hoping for it to work out or waiting for it to fall apart completely..but at this point, i guess i finally realised what's important to me and only time can tell whether i could be forgiven for my mistakes and be loved again..

i've learnt that love is accepting things for the good of that person even if it hurts you, even if you fight it every once in awhile..when the simplest thing can turn into a lasting memory and knowing that no matter what happens between the two of you he will always be that special someone you hold in your heart for always..It's when you fall in love all over again just thinking abt him and remembering all the memories you have made with him..those memories lasts forever..you sit there thinking abt all the times u were side by side..it's when u can feel their presence when u close your eyes..but when u try to reach for them,you feel them slipping away..

quotes that attracted my attention

Found a few quotes that attracted my attention from a few sites i've been visiting while i was bored in the lab..

1: She swore to herself, that she wasn't about to fall in love with him. I guess it was just something about him, that made her fall harder than ever.

2: There's always that one person, who you shouldn't hold onto, but you know if you don't, you'll be nothing without them.

3: Forgiveness is such a simple word but it is hard to do when you've been hurt

4: Sometimes giving up, Doesn't mean you're a quitter, It just means you're strong enough to live on your own.

5:There's a danger with loving someone too much, And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

6: It hurts more than anything, To know once you tell someone how you feel, You're giving them the power to destroy you with only a few words.

7: Pretending will never take away the pain.

8: It took just a few words, And a million tears, To get through the night.

9: You can give someone your heart, Knowing they'll tear it apart, But still love them with everything in you.

10: Some things change for the better, But you have to give yourself time to realize, What that "better" was for.

11: It's better to pretend, Rather than show you're really hurt, And have to explain why to everyone.

12: This silence builds up the worry, The more the worries, The more it hurts her to hold on.

13: She's not afraid to love, She's just afraid of the falling part.


well..there were lots more..but i didnt have that much time to read through them all..plus..most of them were bad quotes..but these..may not be good quotes..but they attracted my attention..

i need to shop !!!

Time flies and a month is almost over just like that..earlier this month i was thinking that i would have plenty of time to do my shopping at the end of the month..and until now..i still have not gotten what i need..so far i've onli managed to get some facial products and make up..a very last minute thing since i shopped like mad over the weekends and i am so broke this month until i used way past my budget n nearly all the money i've earned during the h0lidays..if only i could work freelance on something while i'm studying..*sigh* and i could not get money from parents to shop since they're always scolding me for shopping so much..esp when i don't use those things after that..but when it comes to clothes and footwear..there's a constant need for new ones..i don't know why also..but there's really a constant need for clothes and shoes..

items needed:
#1: a pair of slippers/sandals
#2: clothes
#3: handbag or a casual bag

& the most important of all:
#4: $$$ (so that i can get #1,2 and 3) T___T

conversation using disney context

Conversation #1

Me : Do you read? A lot?

T : Yeah. I exceptionally like motivational books. I got most of my quotes there.

(He loves to used quotes like 'Nothing is ideal', 'There's an exception for everything' and many MANY more to shut me up cos I always counter his words)

Me : Oh that explains it. You used it too much on me ady. Cis.

T : Haha I have a favourite one which I've never used on u before. Life's like a river..

Me : (Interrupts) OHH I know! In the Pocahontas cartoon, there's a song about rivers. (Sings and skips a little) What I like most about rivers is, you can't step into the same river twice.....

T : -_______________-"


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Conversation #2


I noticed the growing facial hair on T's chin and jaw. And I commented on that.

T : Forgot to shave. Die lo. Long liao. Looks like savage ady.

Me : Savage? What's that ar..

T : Savage dunno meh?

Me : Oh ya. In Pocahontas ar, the white men regarded the orang asli as savages.

T : HAHAHA Like that la now. Say I orang asli =P

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Conversation #3

One night, on our way to the dim sum place at SS2, T, as usual, pulled a trick on me and told me how bad his sight was during nightime.

And he related himself to the hero in the movie Daredevil, who is blind but could somehow see.

Then the conversation below followed up..

T : I used to love Marvel heroes. I still do. You know Neptune? The God of the Sea?

Me : What kinda character's that? Never heard of it wan.

T : Neptune never meh? The king of the sea wan arrr..

Me : Blur. Don't bother la. I don't really follow Marvel characters cept those common ones like Spiderman, etc..

T : Dunno meh? Got one cartoon character the king got tail wan..

Me : Har??

T : Little Mermaid's dad!!!

Me : OHHHHHHH I know I know! That's Neptune ha. Say lahhh awal awal! Yish! =P

T: -_______________-"


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After several of such conversations, he concluded:

T : The next time u blur abt sth, remind me to use Disney characters and stories to help u understand.

time will tell

How do you answer if someone asks you, “Is he/she the one for you?”

Maybe I’ve been getting a lot of this lately and I’ve been doing some thinking. Hehe. Well, people who care go through lengths to determine whether the guys/girls in front of them are the one for them. Some would set requirements in their ”checklist”, some pray for signs, while others would ask people closest to them, friends and family alike. So how do we exactly know? We all fall in love, sometimes with the wrong people, sometimes with the right people. And, the right people will remain right until we find something wrong with them. That’s when we will all say, “why didn’t I see that coming? I should have!”.

So I guess, the one for you is not only determined by what he/she has got inside, - character, thinking and mindset, interests, hobbies and passions - , but also how much of yourself you can be in front of that person, how much he/she inspires you to be all that you can be, how much of things both of you can go through together and still remain very much in love. We all grow up, and as we grow, our priorities and thinking may be different from the time we met our boyfriends/girlfriends. The one for you should also be able to accept these changes throughout the phases of your life. Sometimes, we may be unfortunate to find gaps between us and our second halfs as we develop and that’s when we need to decide whether those differences are acceptable or not. Those are crucial times, I should say.

Screening the guy/girl in front of you is just preliminary, it doesn’t decide the one for you but it does improve the chances of you meeting THE ONE. Hehe. Beyond that, we all need that person who can be with us though everything, who is able to grow up with us, through all the different stages of our lives.

Back to the question, I think the best answer is, “Time will tell. Hopefully, he/she is.” =)

exhausting week..

Finally stopped working today..Today was supposed to be my last day at work, but i got lazy and called in to say i could not go due to some reasons..So i guess yesterday was my last day at work..it's really tiring to work and study at the same time..over the past 2 weeks, i've been waking up so early and reach the lab by 7 sth a.m...then i would spend few hours to be done with some part of the experiment..one of the reasons that i had to go super early was because of my bacteria culture that requires around 16-18 hours of incubation but not more than 20 hours..else i'd be working with dead bacteria and fail the experiment..Reason #2 would be because i find being in lab that early in the morn is actually quite peaceful..and esp having the whole lab for myself with no seniors around to watch me if i did something wrong is seriously a big relief..i'm quite a klutz i would admit..but thank goodness i haven't broken anything yet..or for the matter, blow something up..*touch wood*..as well as having all the equipments for myself without the need to compromise with seniors on who's using what at when..so basically i can do things at my pace and without distractions..and i could listen to songs on the lab desktop while i'm working in the lab..Reason #3 would be because i have to work in the afternoon and that's why i have to complete everything asap by latest 1 or 2 pm since my work starts around 2pm..and it's quite some distance to travel from Sunway to TTDI..esp when there would be some slight traffic jam during lunch hour..or worse, when a stupid little accident would just jam up the whole LDP..it's extremely frustrating when it happens..so i guess working part time n studying would be really taxing and it's not worth the small amount of money i get since transportation would cost quite alot as well..that's why i'm really glad to stop work..i kinda enjoy honours year since lab work is more fun than plain memorising facts as we did for exam in the previous undergraduate program..i hate the Aussie system where we have to take honours separately from the 3 years of undergraduate studies..it's sucking up my money and time..plus the project topics are way more complicated than those students doin during their undergraduate studies and graduate with honours..while i graduate with a general degree and have to waste 1 year for honours program in my uni..it's very unfair isn't it?

so far i'm only at the beginning stages for the whole honours year project..and my friends and seniors are putting pressure on me by telling me abt how the experiment topics by my lecturer always end up in failure..sigh..i really don't want to spend a whole year working on the project and end up failing..the bad thing abt my topic would be such that i would only be able to see the results after half a yr perhaps..depends on when i can finish my experiment..and if it fails, i would have to restart the entire project again..and it scares me alot since i have to start arranging my stuff and details for my theses..the theses has a 100 page limit..which, in a way doesnt seem too bad..but the past that got me depressed was when my seniors told me that their introduction part is ~30 pages long..how the heck am i gonna do an introduction to the project that long? it would be reasonable if it was ~10 pages, while they allocate the rest for the methodology & results & discussion sections..cuz those parts would contain every detail abt the project throughout the year..

my 1st DNA extraction failed..which was really disappointing at that time..so i had to do a 2nd DNA extraction, this time with better parameters and careful handling..and tada..way way better results than the 1st ^o^ but then today, i stupidly dropped the vial holding my samples as i took them out from the fridge..tho they seem fine but i hope my DNAs did not shear..stupid stupid stupid dumb klutz..ugh..really pissed at myself..my hard work might be compromised just because of that >.<

right now i have to design forward and reverse primers for PCR..another headache as well given that i really really suck at bioinformatics..working with all these softwares and things related to technology really isn't my forte..worse still with the current streamyx problems mentioned in the newspapers yesterday..which caused the line to be really slow..guess i'll have to do it in uni on monday morn since the connection is way faster over there..not like i have a sucky cpu at home or anything, but it's streamyx fault..while typing thise, i'm actually waiting for the darn software to load since 2 hours ago before i started blogging on this post..guess i'm gonna go sleep since it's abt 3 am now and there's no point waiting longer than i already did..

ouchies !!

somehow i accidentally cut myself today while handling a really really sharp pen knife today at work cutting open boxes of new stocks..it looks bad as shown in the picture..but it's actually just a small but deep cut..somehow i placed the pen knife somewhere on the table and forgot abt it til it flew onto my arms and nearly cut my feet..luckily it wasn't serious..

troubled..

Lately things have been in a mess for me..am wondering why has it turn out this way? and why do i keep doing things wrongly? things haven't been in my favor and it's getting really stressful and depressing..it's not just work..but also other aspects of my life..death of a close friend, being lectured by dad always, being lonely with frens being too busy and bf who has been mad at me and avoiding me most of the time lately cuz of the things i do and say to him that makes him fed up of being with me..i'm in a hermit mood because of all these and at times i really feel like shutting the whole world out..i'm not close with my siblings or parents to talk abt any of my personal issues..the only comfort i get these days are from work tho work is stressful..by that..i mean that it's the kids who tend to make me feel better in a way..i hate office politics as well..somehow i ended up being the middle person between all the politics at my workplace..between new staff and the boss..and also between staffs..but there are several kids who tend to make me feel better..kids can be so innocent at times..the way they look at us teachers and the things they say..and the way they expect us to know everything just because we're there to teach a little..but i guess i failed them in a way that i tend to be impatient when i'm overly stressed and perhaps talked in a sarcastic way to some of them..at the end of the day, when i realize how mean i was..it would be too late..but i guess this work taught me how to be a little more patient and changed my opinions abt kids..i used to dislike being around kids since some tend to get annoying and hyperactive and noisy and naughty esp those below 10 year old..i mean, i love babies..but once they grow past the toddler stage then i would dislike their antics and hence dislike kids in general..but working around kids over the past 3 months changed me in a way that i like being around kids (well..not all though..i honestly can't stand a few kids in my section no matter how hard i try to like them)..and having a few hyperactive kids and down syndrome kids really trained me how to deal with these group of kids properly and be patient..and to know that they are smart in their own ways, as well as how they express they liking to people (or us teachers in the matter) with affectionate displays of hugs and holding our hands..these kids..just because they are different from the normal kids, it doesn't mean that they are unaware of what we say or do..it may appear as if they are not listening or looking at us, but the fact is that they know clearly what we say and the meaning behind our actions..i would refer to them as the "handle with care" group..i wish i haven't done anything for any of my kids to hate me as a teacher..it would really suck to know if my impatience has hurt their feelings and made them hate me..

bad start to a new month

been quite lazy to go online lately..esp after work when i'm all tired and glued to the couch..
and also cuz i couldn't find much to do online that time..but right now when i need to go online to download some things (cannot be specified..if not later get sued over copyright breach how?)..anyways..just when i found lots of things to do online, my desktop's cpu went kaput on me..and i haven't the slightest idea what's wrong with it..was just downloading some things then go afk as usual to watch tv (it was stil alive at that moment)..but during the commercials when i went back thinking i could watch some youtube vids that i left to load while afk, then realized that the monitor was turned off with the standby light blinking..it won't turn on no matter how and after awhile i got fed up and pissed off..typical me for being impatient and hot tempered..sigh..i seem to be unlucky with these sort of things..few months ago only my modem got burned cuz i was thinking that a few mild lightnings shouldn't be damaging rite?! but then..i was that unlucky..and now this..feel so cursed =.="

but thank goodness my cpu is still under warranty..and i'm lucky that the warranty is up til this yr's march..lol..just short of one month from being expired..and this is where my dad's old laptop comes in handy..that's why i'm online now =) these are the things that i would have usually taken for granted and be ignorant before..hmm..come to think of it..it seems like there's always a lucky side to all the things that could turn bad or wrong in life..hence, the moral of the story may be "look on the bright side" perhaps?

work is quite hectic this week..and also for the next week too..well..at least it keeps me busy instead of being home and alone..i tend to have the bad habit of thinking too much when i'm alone..which is why i rather be a workaholic and work myself til i'm too tired for anything else..and at least i've got a very slight raise in salary from all those work..it's very little but it's still better than nothing rite?

dunno why i'm so moody lately..wonder if it's because of my hormones or various things that bothers me..it's not a big issue..but it's just some tiny things that bothers me in a subtle manner..so i guess it's sort of like what he says? "sikit sikit menjadi bukit"? whichever..i forgot what the saying was exactly..lol..but at least talking things out with someone who gives good advice does get rid of some stress i've been accumulating inside over a period of time..tho i really do feel like crying at times over the past few days..