Listening to Kate Winslet's song "What If"..the wistful song makes me think of a lot of what-ifs..It's not uncommon for many to think of that, to stop and reflect about how life would have been if we have taken different roads..I know it's good to live life without regrets, but at times it's good to be reflective of how life offers so much possibilities..

a spur-of-the-moment piece

Hey distant lover,
It's been so long since I last saw you..
Are you doing okay?
It's been awhile since I last held you..
Are you still the same?
Hey distant lover,
Are you looking at the sky right now?
I can see it too..
the same blue sky above me and you..
Its getting dark soon where you are,
It'll get dark where I am too..
But even if a star passes by again tonight,
It won't be the same without you..
Hey distant lover,
We'll be meeting soon,
Perhaps somewhere under the moon..
Will you smile when you see me?
Will you laugh and start to tease me?
A promise was made not long ago,
With memories worth more than gold,
And a dream became true,
For the girl who fell in love with you.
Hey distant lover,
My distant lover..
I'll be waiting here for you.

random rants

someone once told me that i was a strange and stubborn individualist..hmm..so what if i'm that type of person?

first of all, i do not believe in conformity..why shud i conform to what others believe in or what others do just to fit in or be "normal"..besides, what and who defines how normal a person can be is quite subjective.."normal" is interpreted by the majority who conformed to be "similar" to each other in what they do or behave..and there goes the trend of being normal or so-called cool (which i think it's ridiculous)..seriously..if u're mentally mature enough (regardless of age..cuz i know ppl in their 20s still uses that word =.=) then you wouldn't even bother using the word "cool" to describe a thing or a person..when i was younger and had no sense of individuality, i stupidly attempted to conform just to have more things in common with "normal" ppl so that they would accept me as i presented myself..but being that way and after years of tolerating the loss of individuality and my own ideas, i just don't want to continue being part of the crowd or to fit in..trust me, the "cool" ppl can actually end up being the lamest ppl that u've ever seen in ur life based on what they say or do..you would only realise that when u look back after 20 to 30 years in the future..i'm amused with how ppl in universities and colleges tend to put in so much effort just to fit in to groups and all..of course i wouldn't say it right into their faces, but they look like dogs following their "masters" around..the way they look up to their friends and follow all their ideas completely reminds me of those puppies..only puppies are cute in that sense..don't blame me for using that word, there's even a chinese term to describe ppl like that..ask your friends if you have no clue what is it..but why do ppl allow peer pressure to make them do stupid things in the 1st place? and worst still when ppl decide that they "like" something just because others do..such as religion, clubbing, alcohol and drugs ingestion, shopping for branded stuff, smoking, casual sex and all..the funniest ones that seem to happen alot would be following their friends to take a certain course or which university to attend (seriously..u would let your frens decide ur future for u huh?) and also those who allow ppl to preach them into following a certain religion just because their frens are doing so..point is, why do ppl allow others to help them decide what they want in life and what they should do or like just to fit in? don't you ppl have your own sense and idea of what u want and like in the 1st place? and they said that ppl are mature enough to think at the age limits of 16, 18 or 21 depending on which countries they are from, which is why they set the age limits at that..yeah right..it's so true how mature ppl can be once they hit the age limits =.= the saddest ppl are the ones who subconsciously conforms and do not realize it and still insist that they are non-conformists..

sometimes learning from other ppl's experiences tend to help u learn abt urself..i guess i've been analyzing other ppl's life too much to a point where i don't see why i should do the things they do based on the outcomes shown..and at some point, i actually find it more comfortable to just do or think what i want to think even when i know ppl might dislike me for that..deceiving others is one thing..but hey..at least i'm not deceiving myself..i may compromise and tolerate but i would not conform..i would not allow myself to be restricted by other ppl's ideas and words..there's more to life than just a group of ppl that others try to fit into..we should not restrict our thinking and be manipulated to think the way other ppl thinks..just because you're different doesn't mean that u can't be friends with people with different interests and beliefs..i know that cuz i have friends with all sorts of different interest and ideas and yet we could still sit down for hours to gossip with all the variety of ideas and topics given..surely at times our conversation would run dry, but we still enjoy spending time with each other and esp with good food, movies, entertainments and all to glue us together despite our differences..

i liked the way i was before

i want to be the person i used to be some time ago before things changed me..capable of loving, trusting and being happy..capable of being independent and self-sufficient..and perhaps being able to care at an appropriate point..i liked who i was at that time..the current me seems a little hard to handle and tired of everything around me..the current me needs to stop being insecure and vulnerable..i have to learn to take things as they are and return a reciprocal treatment or response..the current me needs to be smarter in dealing with situations..etc etc etc..i'm in need of a change in my life and it shall start with changing who i am..i want to be the girl i used to be and the girl i used to like being..although she might be distant and cold, but being that way helps me take care of myself emotionally..growing older by a year and after going through rough patches from time to time shud make me a tougher person both on the inside and the outside, and be more mature at my age..i hope..

~~ updates ~~

i've lost my ear ring..after only wearing it twice T___T lost my fave side somemore..wtf..re-traced my footsteps all around uni to find it..but failed..ended up being sooooo disappointed til i wanted to cry..maybe i shud just change the other side of the earring into a hp or bag accessory..

recently addicted to online shopping nowadays..particularly to accesories..charm bracelets + necklaces + earrings etc..but in a way..i'm too broke to afford even something cheap..

i shud really stop being lazy and complete my theses..promised my lecturer to hand it up for him to proofread 2 weeks ago..but been lazy til now >.<

i shud really find a part time job..so that i can start saving money for more shopping..this time..i need clothes..lots of them..those that i can wear daily..i shud stop buying clothes on impulse and not wear them after buying since they may not suit me or be practical to go anywhere casual such as uni and normal going out..sighssssssss..parents scolded me for throwing out clothes that i do not wear..dad doesn't want to pay for my shopping anymore..so i have to look for another source of income..right now..my bank account berlubang-lubang adi, but stil need to keep some money inside before i withdraw all and end up losing the account =(

am so freaking glad that adam lambert did not win AI..i hate that elvis look..hopefully we'll get to hear from danny gokey sometime soon..would definitely listen to his songs cuz i love his vocal..

heard that shogun's 50% lunch at 1u was very good..too bad i went to the one at pyramid and most of the food was finishing and they did not constantly "top-up" the food..and the food was not fresh..while the one at 1u had constant supply of FRESH sushi, prawns, soft shelled crab (my fave) etc..nooooooooo..why did i go to the sucky one >.<>.<
shud i just go and starve myself the next day and perhaps the next next day as well?????? how? how? how?


** reminder to self: download k-on and toradora..finish up my theses introduction section..stick to 1 & 1/2 meal per day and refrain from buying online things for now >.<

love and pride

as usual, i was just surfing around the net and looking up meaningful poetry, life stories (fiction or based on real experiences) and opinions on certain topics..and today i managed to find something that i couldnt help but agree with every single word i read..therefore, it was a meaningful piece for me..this article that was published few weeks ago in star newspaper and yes i know..this shows that i don't read the papers as much as i shud be..i can't cite the author since the site did not reference it >.<..

SIGHTS & SOUNDS

OVER the past year, I have learned a thing or two about love. I find the power of love fascinating and contradictory at the same time. Besides being able to turn a perfectly normal person into a giddy, beaming creature; love also has the power to unhinge the most rational of us. If you’ve ever been in love, you might agree that love can make us a little insane at times. An intelligent, successful person would cry, beg and flood their partner’s mailbox with a dozen incoherent messages, all because of love. In the face of love, any pride that we might have gets flushed down the drain.

There also are instances where the opposite is true.

I find that love and pride are so closely intertwined that the mere movement towards one or the other can change the outcome of a disagreement between couples.

Anger and pride are also never far from each other. It is anger that spurs us to make the most hurtful remarks and it is pride that stills our tongue when we want to say we’re sorry. Anger makes us forget ourselves and gives us a temporary sense of power. We say things we don’t mean and when we want to run after the one we love, it is our pride that keeps us rooted to the ground.

No one is perfect and it is our battle with pride and anger that makes up human love. We either allow anger and pride to take over or we can try very hard to let love do the talking. After all, pride, anger and regret will not keep us warm at night.

Love is also a very strange notion. We can promise our partner the earth and the sky, whisk them away on luxurious holidays and feel happier when we hear their voice on the telephone; yet we can be rude to them, careless with their feelings and take them for granted.

You wouldn’t put as much effort into a friendship and you also wouldn’t abuse it; yet when it comes to relationships, you could be operating on both ends of the scale at the same time. It doesn’t take one long to figure out that we are at our most vulnerable when we are in love. Even the strongest and meanest have been known to be defeated by it.

Love may have the power to heal, but it also certainly has the power to break someone and turn them into a shadow of their former self. I have found that showing our love is not just giving what comes naturally to us when we are happy. It is always easy to love someone when we’re in a good mood but when things aren’t so peachy it can be such a struggle to remember how to show that love.

Although I am a naturally affectionate person, I find myself behaving more like Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll when angry or upset; ashamed as I am to admit. “Never make a decision when you’re angry” is a motto that I’m glad my boyfriend practices and has constantly reminded me to stand by.

Falling in love is easy but no one seems to advertise the fact that it isn’t as simple to sustain that wondrous feeling. The thing is, we can have the best education from the most prestigious university, but when it comes to the matters of the heart, we have no way of preparing for it. There is no other way to understand love than to learn about it the hard way and hope that our heart, and the hearts of those who love us, survives the ride.

I don’t find Valentine’s Day overrated as I see it as an anniversary of love.

After an entire year of learning about love and being a better person because of it, wouldn’t you want to celebrate too?

more regrets and heartaches..

was surprised that an old acquantance of mine chatted me up on msn awhile ago..apparently he's working and staying in ss2 now..and more coincidentally, he's working at yi peng and yi mei's father's workplace..we used to be close frens abt 2-3 yrs ago..until we just stopped contacting each other as we got busy with our studies n relationships..i was even more surprised tht he's in alot of dilemma now with his gf, whom he planned to break up with and she's now pregnant..so i shared my experience with him and offered some advice..until he asked abt my current relationship..somehow..i started crying when i talked abt it..abt how stupid i was to listen to someone else's words and said things i didnt mean and more stupidity until my bf doesn't love me much anymore as he used to..when i think abt the past few months..i would say that it's the happiest i've ever been in the past few relationships..and i was dumb enuf to not realise how much i love this one person til i ruined things that may not be mendable..but who else is there to blame other than myself for being afraid of getting hurt til i listened to the other party and let myself have doubts just so that i can "prepare myself for the worst" and reduce the amount of pain that would come from it? i've had the most loving bf ever..until i lost that part of him..if only things could go back to how it was before when we were both happy and very much in love..back to my most cherished moments..

wishing that the earth would just swallow me up and i would cease to exist again..This is just something i feel at the moment and has nothing to do with what i'm gonna post up..

if only life could be easier..but it would never be..no one said that life would be easy..unless of cuz u're born in a good family with a large fortune to be inherited..or something like that where things are easy..but other than those minorities, most of us do not have the luxury to live an easy life with no worries..as we age and begin the transition to adulthood, things get more complicated and there would be responsibilities, burdens, expectations etc..so why are we so complex to begin with? even after going thru everything and fighting for everything we want, we would still end up leaving this world anyways..after a long day visiting my ancestors' graves at 2 places, this occured to me while i was sitting down on the floor looking at the millions and thousands of graves..many of the graves were "booked", at least half of them at nirvana memorial park..these days, ppl already have graves waiting for them even when they are still young, healthy or alive..it was as if ppl were buying "condos" and "houses" for their remains after they die.."condos" are those for the cremated; while "houses" with land are for those who end up being buried..typical asians for being "kiasu" even until they die..must choose land with good feng shui and location..even though it was part of the culture, i hated the burning of all the papers and plastic bags (the worst !!) that would occur over the next 2 weeks..the way i see it..assimilation between the 2 religions over the past centuries due to various factors are seen today where ppl are confused abt the difference between taoism and buddhism..so they tend to mix up the practices and all..this shows that ppl just accept the believes or practices that were passed down to them without thinking and finding out the differences and all..

in a way..i feel that life is fragile and we do not know how long we could live..there are times that i wish i could just cease to exist in this world..away from all the responsibilities, the expectations and the pain that is so unbearable..i tend to wonder..how would life be like as an organism that isn't as complex as humans..or how would life be on the "other side"? would it take the pain away?

mistakes, regrets and a whole lot of heartache

i once thought that i knew what a heartache was..and how bad it could be..back when i was hurt by my ex..but that was then..i haven't felt that way until these few days..but somehow it felt worse than what i've ever felt before..maybe cuz back then i knew it was not my fault for being hurt..but this time around..nothing could hurt more knowing that it was my mistakes that caused my own heartache this time..knowing that it's my own fault makes it worse and more painful in a way..but it's something i would have to deal with and hold onto the hope that as time pass, things would turn better and be the same for us again..back when we were happy and when he loved me..i promised myself to stop being an emotional wreck in front of him cuz i don't want him to see me that way anymore..to see me in a way that would make him feel repulsed and change even more..pray that i would have the strength to go thru this and appear fine and normal to everyone around me no matter what i feel within..right now..i'm holding onto the little remaining feelings he still has for me..if i lose that..i know i would lose him completely..

my mistakes

because of what i did, i've nearly lost what was precious to me..and this is something i have to deal with..along with the heartache and the fear of losing him completely..but to know that he's stil here for me although feelings have faded is both a comfort and a heartache..a comfort because he still sticks around after all that i've put him through..and a heartache because my mistakes have caused me to lose a big part of him..but to be given a chance to try make it work once more, it's the only thing i can place my hopes on..if only i could realised my mistakes long before yesterday..just so that i wouldn't have hurt him in a way that led us to where we are at this moment..but who is there to blame other than myself? But i guess the harder i try to make it work, the more distant he becomes and the sooner it would fail..and i'm not ready to accept this loss..i had something good for once in my life and i was stupid enuf to ruin things by being insecure and easily affected by the words of others..the worst part is knowing that what's lost may never return again and yet hoping for it to work out or waiting for it to fall apart completely..but at this point, i guess i finally realised what's important to me and only time can tell whether i could be forgiven for my mistakes and be loved again..

i've learnt that love is accepting things for the good of that person even if it hurts you, even if you fight it every once in awhile..when the simplest thing can turn into a lasting memory and knowing that no matter what happens between the two of you he will always be that special someone you hold in your heart for always..It's when you fall in love all over again just thinking abt him and remembering all the memories you have made with him..those memories lasts forever..you sit there thinking abt all the times u were side by side..it's when u can feel their presence when u close your eyes..but when u try to reach for them,you feel them slipping away..

quotes that attracted my attention

Found a few quotes that attracted my attention from a few sites i've been visiting while i was bored in the lab..

1: She swore to herself, that she wasn't about to fall in love with him. I guess it was just something about him, that made her fall harder than ever.

2: There's always that one person, who you shouldn't hold onto, but you know if you don't, you'll be nothing without them.

3: Forgiveness is such a simple word but it is hard to do when you've been hurt

4: Sometimes giving up, Doesn't mean you're a quitter, It just means you're strong enough to live on your own.

5:There's a danger with loving someone too much, And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

6: It hurts more than anything, To know once you tell someone how you feel, You're giving them the power to destroy you with only a few words.

7: Pretending will never take away the pain.

8: It took just a few words, And a million tears, To get through the night.

9: You can give someone your heart, Knowing they'll tear it apart, But still love them with everything in you.

10: Some things change for the better, But you have to give yourself time to realize, What that "better" was for.

11: It's better to pretend, Rather than show you're really hurt, And have to explain why to everyone.

12: This silence builds up the worry, The more the worries, The more it hurts her to hold on.

13: She's not afraid to love, She's just afraid of the falling part.


well..there were lots more..but i didnt have that much time to read through them all..plus..most of them were bad quotes..but these..may not be good quotes..but they attracted my attention..

time will tell

How do you answer if someone asks you, “Is he/she the one for you?”

Maybe I’ve been getting a lot of this lately and I’ve been doing some thinking. Hehe. Well, people who care go through lengths to determine whether the guys/girls in front of them are the one for them. Some would set requirements in their ”checklist”, some pray for signs, while others would ask people closest to them, friends and family alike. So how do we exactly know? We all fall in love, sometimes with the wrong people, sometimes with the right people. And, the right people will remain right until we find something wrong with them. That’s when we will all say, “why didn’t I see that coming? I should have!”.

So I guess, the one for you is not only determined by what he/she has got inside, - character, thinking and mindset, interests, hobbies and passions - , but also how much of yourself you can be in front of that person, how much he/she inspires you to be all that you can be, how much of things both of you can go through together and still remain very much in love. We all grow up, and as we grow, our priorities and thinking may be different from the time we met our boyfriends/girlfriends. The one for you should also be able to accept these changes throughout the phases of your life. Sometimes, we may be unfortunate to find gaps between us and our second halfs as we develop and that’s when we need to decide whether those differences are acceptable or not. Those are crucial times, I should say.

Screening the guy/girl in front of you is just preliminary, it doesn’t decide the one for you but it does improve the chances of you meeting THE ONE. Hehe. Beyond that, we all need that person who can be with us though everything, who is able to grow up with us, through all the different stages of our lives.

Back to the question, I think the best answer is, “Time will tell. Hopefully, he/she is.” =)

lost..

Over the past week, i've been feeling so trapped and lost at the same time..am wondering why do i keep remembering some things that still bothers me alot..and why do i keep reading thru those words that could make me feel sad and afraid..why does that person keeps saying things to raise doutbs in me and refuse to leave me alone..being mentally stressed is way more tiring than being physically tired from work..and i hate that painful feeling i get inside me that makes it hard for me to breathe..so i guess i have to ask myself: what do i want and is it worth it? seems like a simple question but it's not easy to think abt it..but i guess the answer lies somewhere in me subconciously and i would have to search for it..i just hope i can find it before it gets too suffocating..

Random thoughts

I was watching KBS world and just so happen there was sort of a documentary program about the touching life stories of various disabled people in Korea..When i watched that earlier on, it was showing a documentary of the life of Lee Soyeong..a korean lady who was born with defective cornea and been nearly blind her whole life that she has to wear magnifying glasses and yet still have a very weak vision..But thank god she was blessed with her talents in music, being able to learn piano playing and play by ear since the age of 3, and has been composing music since she was in elementary school..She relies on her mother to bring her around and be her eyesight and she has a 3rd stage mentally disabled sister..It was really sad to hear about her stories, especially the part where she was kicked by a man because she was blind and look abnormal compared to normal ppl..seriously, how could anyone be that mean to a disabled person? i don't get it at all..But sadly, after an eye checkup she found out that she's currently losing her only eyesight due to the progress of glaucoma that has already happened on her other eye some time ago..There are many more people out there who are unfortunate in life and it's really sad that they have to go through so much difficulties and sadness in their lives, while others are so blessed and tend to take things for granted..Cases like these are always shown in the newspapers, tv and everywhere..esp nowadays with all the poverty, starvation, war and calamities..And yet, people can still be so ignorant and selfish..

Happy New Year 2009 !!

Started the year of 2009 being at my rooftop balcony seeing the fireworks from all directions..the view was amazing since i could see fireworks from KL, subang/sunway, curve/1u and several other locations all at one place..my dogs were laying low on the ground and hiding away from open spaces since they were terrified of the lights and sounds..and later on, popped open a bottle of red wine bought few years back from aussie and enjoyed the rest of the time watching pirates of the carribean..the 3rd movie -> at world's end..the ending does make me wonder though..if Will Turner turned into an immortal captain for the flying dutchman (whatever it's called ~.~) and could only set foot on land once in 10 years, while his beautiful wife stays ashore waiting for him..so then does it mean that they could only see each other for 2-3 times (and have all the fun they can for that one day) before she turns into an old woman and dies sooner or later (since she's human..)? Hmm..i'm probably thinking too much over a movie..there can't always be perfect happy endings right..btw..Calypso seemed a little useless as a goddess who seem so vengeful and bitter about being bound into a human body, she just disappeared after being unbound and turned into a giant..so much for me anticipating to see what sort of revenge she would carry out and which side will she be on =.="

I sound pretty much like a person with no life huh? no social life in particular..esp when i'm so free to blog here when ppl are all out celebrating..but my parents were right that it would be better to stay home in comfort instead of being stuck in traffic jams or sweating with a whole crowd of people for the countdown..not to mention the difficulties in finding a parking space at those locations..

well..maybe next year i would throw a party and invite some friends over to celebrate it together..bbq, pot luck, ordering food or mum's home cook food..whichever..will think of it in about 12 months time..that way it would be more fun and less lonely *winks*
speaking of lonely, i miss my beloved the most at this very moment..and every moment that he's not here with me..