i'm the kind of girl who eats garlic bread or onion rings or stuff that girls usually avoid when they are out with guys..i don't eat salad just to watch my weight..i love carbs..i limit the input so i'm not fat because i'm lazy or eat too much, but because my metabolism don't work like how it should work..and my body is built in a way that i gain weight easily..as easily as just taking one large meal would increase my weight by a kg or two..esp at my ass and thighs..so excuse me for being pear-shaped or fat unlike you girls..and i will never grow taller or be stick thin like you all..i can drink lots and take awhile to get drunk because of my slow metabolism as well..i don't get drunk in public like you all and embarrass yourself because of low alcohol tolerance..so stop talking abt me and expect me not to find out thru other ppl..

confused

My mind is all over the place..
it's not in one place, it's confusing and rather jumbled-up..I can't get somethings out of my mind, can't release the hold of thoughts have on me..Even as I sit here typing, i realize my brain is all confusing and not working properly..
But how do I use my time to escape from these messed-up thoughts???
Work,work,work..I am going to work my way to death one day I tell you..I feel like a robot sometimes, just working and channeling myself into work to forget many things..
But it's the wrong method..I know that now..*sigh*
Took me long enough..I always run away from my problems..I realize that now..I never face them, just run and avoid thinking about them until disaster strikes..It's rather stupid and careless..but..

*sigh*

wish there was an earthquake wherever i am, just so to create a hole that would swallow me up and no one else would be able to find me ever again..

weekly updates

#1. my honours project has been good so far..but until yesterday..apparently there was an error in my primer design until i have to start all over again with new materials and it would take at least a month to get those..2 months of effort gone, just like that..

#2. my dog killed my guinea pig..my fault mainly for not taking good care and watching my guinea pig til it jumped off me while i was carrying it and ran towards my dog and my dog killed it within a min or less..

#3. physically unwell..

#4. financially broke..and owing my friend money..

#5. bf still unhappy at me since that issue..

#6. been fighting with my sis and got scolded by dad who's always think it's my fault..bloody crap..more reasons for me to want to leave home after i get a job and have enuf money..away from being controlled and all..

wishing that the earth would just swallow me up and i would cease to exist again..This is just something i feel at the moment and has nothing to do with what i'm gonna post up..

if only life could be easier..but it would never be..no one said that life would be easy..unless of cuz u're born in a good family with a large fortune to be inherited..or something like that where things are easy..but other than those minorities, most of us do not have the luxury to live an easy life with no worries..as we age and begin the transition to adulthood, things get more complicated and there would be responsibilities, burdens, expectations etc..so why are we so complex to begin with? even after going thru everything and fighting for everything we want, we would still end up leaving this world anyways..after a long day visiting my ancestors' graves at 2 places, this occured to me while i was sitting down on the floor looking at the millions and thousands of graves..many of the graves were "booked", at least half of them at nirvana memorial park..these days, ppl already have graves waiting for them even when they are still young, healthy or alive..it was as if ppl were buying "condos" and "houses" for their remains after they die.."condos" are those for the cremated; while "houses" with land are for those who end up being buried..typical asians for being "kiasu" even until they die..must choose land with good feng shui and location..even though it was part of the culture, i hated the burning of all the papers and plastic bags (the worst !!) that would occur over the next 2 weeks..the way i see it..assimilation between the 2 religions over the past centuries due to various factors are seen today where ppl are confused abt the difference between taoism and buddhism..so they tend to mix up the practices and all..this shows that ppl just accept the believes or practices that were passed down to them without thinking and finding out the differences and all..

in a way..i feel that life is fragile and we do not know how long we could live..there are times that i wish i could just cease to exist in this world..away from all the responsibilities, the expectations and the pain that is so unbearable..i tend to wonder..how would life be like as an organism that isn't as complex as humans..or how would life be on the "other side"? would it take the pain away?

troubled..

Lately things have been in a mess for me..am wondering why has it turn out this way? and why do i keep doing things wrongly? things haven't been in my favor and it's getting really stressful and depressing..it's not just work..but also other aspects of my life..death of a close friend, being lectured by dad always, being lonely with frens being too busy and bf who has been mad at me and avoiding me most of the time lately cuz of the things i do and say to him that makes him fed up of being with me..i'm in a hermit mood because of all these and at times i really feel like shutting the whole world out..i'm not close with my siblings or parents to talk abt any of my personal issues..the only comfort i get these days are from work tho work is stressful..by that..i mean that it's the kids who tend to make me feel better in a way..i hate office politics as well..somehow i ended up being the middle person between all the politics at my workplace..between new staff and the boss..and also between staffs..but there are several kids who tend to make me feel better..kids can be so innocent at times..the way they look at us teachers and the things they say..and the way they expect us to know everything just because we're there to teach a little..but i guess i failed them in a way that i tend to be impatient when i'm overly stressed and perhaps talked in a sarcastic way to some of them..at the end of the day, when i realize how mean i was..it would be too late..but i guess this work taught me how to be a little more patient and changed my opinions abt kids..i used to dislike being around kids since some tend to get annoying and hyperactive and noisy and naughty esp those below 10 year old..i mean, i love babies..but once they grow past the toddler stage then i would dislike their antics and hence dislike kids in general..but working around kids over the past 3 months changed me in a way that i like being around kids (well..not all though..i honestly can't stand a few kids in my section no matter how hard i try to like them)..and having a few hyperactive kids and down syndrome kids really trained me how to deal with these group of kids properly and be patient..and to know that they are smart in their own ways, as well as how they express they liking to people (or us teachers in the matter) with affectionate displays of hugs and holding our hands..these kids..just because they are different from the normal kids, it doesn't mean that they are unaware of what we say or do..it may appear as if they are not listening or looking at us, but the fact is that they know clearly what we say and the meaning behind our actions..i would refer to them as the "handle with care" group..i wish i haven't done anything for any of my kids to hate me as a teacher..it would really suck to know if my impatience has hurt their feelings and made them hate me..

bad start to a new month

been quite lazy to go online lately..esp after work when i'm all tired and glued to the couch..
and also cuz i couldn't find much to do online that time..but right now when i need to go online to download some things (cannot be specified..if not later get sued over copyright breach how?)..anyways..just when i found lots of things to do online, my desktop's cpu went kaput on me..and i haven't the slightest idea what's wrong with it..was just downloading some things then go afk as usual to watch tv (it was stil alive at that moment)..but during the commercials when i went back thinking i could watch some youtube vids that i left to load while afk, then realized that the monitor was turned off with the standby light blinking..it won't turn on no matter how and after awhile i got fed up and pissed off..typical me for being impatient and hot tempered..sigh..i seem to be unlucky with these sort of things..few months ago only my modem got burned cuz i was thinking that a few mild lightnings shouldn't be damaging rite?! but then..i was that unlucky..and now this..feel so cursed =.="

but thank goodness my cpu is still under warranty..and i'm lucky that the warranty is up til this yr's march..lol..just short of one month from being expired..and this is where my dad's old laptop comes in handy..that's why i'm online now =) these are the things that i would have usually taken for granted and be ignorant before..hmm..come to think of it..it seems like there's always a lucky side to all the things that could turn bad or wrong in life..hence, the moral of the story may be "look on the bright side" perhaps?

work is quite hectic this week..and also for the next week too..well..at least it keeps me busy instead of being home and alone..i tend to have the bad habit of thinking too much when i'm alone..which is why i rather be a workaholic and work myself til i'm too tired for anything else..and at least i've got a very slight raise in salary from all those work..it's very little but it's still better than nothing rite?

dunno why i'm so moody lately..wonder if it's because of my hormones or various things that bothers me..it's not a big issue..but it's just some tiny things that bothers me in a subtle manner..so i guess it's sort of like what he says? "sikit sikit menjadi bukit"? whichever..i forgot what the saying was exactly..lol..but at least talking things out with someone who gives good advice does get rid of some stress i've been accumulating inside over a period of time..tho i really do feel like crying at times over the past few days..

lost..

Over the past week, i've been feeling so trapped and lost at the same time..am wondering why do i keep remembering some things that still bothers me alot..and why do i keep reading thru those words that could make me feel sad and afraid..why does that person keeps saying things to raise doutbs in me and refuse to leave me alone..being mentally stressed is way more tiring than being physically tired from work..and i hate that painful feeling i get inside me that makes it hard for me to breathe..so i guess i have to ask myself: what do i want and is it worth it? seems like a simple question but it's not easy to think abt it..but i guess the answer lies somewhere in me subconciously and i would have to search for it..i just hope i can find it before it gets too suffocating..

a day in KL

Been out with family today to KL..Low Yat specifically..couldn't get anything much since dad was being stingy and naggy..sigh..plus he's always in a rush to leave since he's the type of guy who goes shopping and leaves after walking a few rounds..for me, i like to take my own sweet time and bargain til i get the lowest price i can get at those places..it's a reasonable and wise thing to do esp when u know the prices are marked up by so much compared to the manufacturer price..so why let them profit so much after all, right? But couldn't do that with my dad around since he doesn't like to spend much time at one place esp when i'm seeing things he's not interested to get (he says they are unnecessary and i should wait for further price reduction =.=")..he'll probably say the same thing when i go back there again next time..but this doesn't apply to him since he wouldn't mind paying more for something he wants..

It was so crowded and i hate crowds..i get irritated when ppl walk so slowly and block the whole walkway as if no one else was around..worse still when the walkway was already narrow enough..inconsiderate and stupid ppl !!! in these circumstances, the only thing to do is to force your way thru, even if it means pushing ppl aside..Oh yes, i can be mean when i'm irritated and impatient =)

And then...went to Petaling Street for lunch and bought some snacks that i could never find in PJ or any malls at all..With chinese new year right around the corner, there were lots of super red deco and snacks on sale..Spending a few bucks here and there eventually added up into a large lump sum..It was so freaking hot and humid, and i was smart enough to wear black and ended up sweating like a pig at the end of the day..

Parking is always a problem in KL..it's either too expensive at those car park areas (one place charged rm2 for half an hour)..*sweat* daylight robbery..

or you would have to pay "people" who tries to collect money from u just because they signal for you to park over there and claim that they would takecare of ur vehicle while you're away..Somewhere around the corner of the street actually has an autopay machine thing by DBKL..So i really do wonder how it would be when those police or DBKL officers who comes over to check on cars and saman those who did not pay thru the autopay machine and instead paid to those drug addicts..But for fear that they would do something to the vehicle while you're away if you don't pay them.....this doesn't leaves much choice but to pay them now, does it?

Petaling Street seriously have quite a number of delicious food places, but seriously how much can one with weight issues eat just on one visit? Shall find a day to go there again..mainly to eat.... =)