just attended my cousin's wedding today at tropicana..cousin vincent and his pretty wife..met my relatives and it was a 9 course dinner..so yea..i feel awfully fat..the best part of the weddign was..there was no aunties/uncles who went up the stage to sing..instead..they hired proper wedding singers to sing..and somehow the songs they sung tonite kept reminding me of my ex..and the worse part of the wedding was..every1 was asking abt my relationship status n comparing it to my counsins..my mum even asked my cousins to introduce some nice and successful guys to me..i felt like a sad case..and later on..the counsins and uncles tried to get me and my other counsin sis drunk..and we passed their test..tho my cousin sis was completely red and i managed to kept concious and converse properly while being drunk..mum even encouraged me to drink with them..so much help from her..ish..

ramblings

Let's give a round of applause,
for your elaborate performance,
when the curtains rolled up,
so theatrical for the world to see.

Let's give toast,
to the times you made me bled,
when you held a knife to my heart,
twisting it inside and around.

Let's give a smile,
to past memories,
the journey we thought we could have had,
and all that could have been.

Let's give one last cry,
for what we want,
but can never have,
cause we're too fragile.

Let's take a bow,
the show has ended,
just the two of us and no one else watching,
before we take off, heading separate ways..

congrats to my high school friends felix and yen li on your marriage..

http://www.facebook.com/video/?ref=sb#/video/video.php?v=257303377568

When everything you hold with your heart feels like its slipping away from you because of your mistake, what do you do?
Clutch at the straws and try your damnest not to let go of the best you ever had?
Or let go, because you know it deserves better?
I don't know, because maybe its never for us to decide,
like it wasn't for us to decide the path of our life.

Work has been hectic the past 2 weeks..tho i'm ok with the jobs..but i generally dun like the contract..cuz i feel bounded to them since i'm not allowed to leave during my 1 month probation else my salary will all go to the job agency that brought me in..then after my probation, i'm not allowed to leave until the semester ends with 2 months notification..

secondly..i dun see a job prospect in what i'm doin..

third..it's getting boring to me..i know i just started..but i'm teaching a subject i dun really like that much when initially i was offered to do biology as i wanted..now i'm doing chemistry n i hate studying things that i cant get familiar with..worse still when i was asked by the senior lecturer to prep all the lecture slides and tutorial sets for foundation year, lab protocols and chemical list, exam questions and i have to take over the whole O levels batch n plan the syllabus..as well as to work in edu fair and invigilate exams..i feel over-exploited !!

fourth..i'm trap between all the politics going on..like ppl are trying to pull me to their side n go against the other..but i do have colleagues that i can get along with..so it makes things better in a way..

and also..the salary..if they don't review my salary after the probation period then i'll send in a resignation letter by march n work til june..if the pay gets better then i'll stay til end of the year..after all..i took a peek into the documents for other employees while i was working in my senior lecturer's room when i started n i know how much every1 earns..so if ppl are doing something like i'm doing..so why shud i be paid lower than them? therefore..with my salary..i intend to do things at my pace n my wish..at the same time, i'll be careful with what i do..so if u sack me without a proper reason then i'll sue you !! that's why i got some1 to review the whole contract for me to check for loopholes before i signed it..this way i know what to adhere to and how far i can go before crossing the line..

well..other than that i'm pretty satisfied with my job =)

thoughts that defy logic

I know they say not to think about it,
That logically everything is alright.
But sitting all alone,
in the cold, dark night,
Is enough to make me lose control,
Enough to make the feelings and thoughts,
Squirm their way into my head.
Logic can't stand up to those feelings and thoughts.
No Friends, No Love,
How can logic stand up to that?
World better off without me,
No one would miss me.
Logic says these are all lies.
But in my heart, they are true.
In my heart,
No one is there for me,
No one cares for me,
Maybe they would be better off without me.
Logically, I know the truth.
I just can't shove the thoughts and feelings out of my head,
Out of my heart.

Lesson learnt the hard way: You can't love without pain..

When you truly love someone, and u open up to that someone to let them get close to the most vulnerable side of you, you risk getting hurt and losing them..when it happens, the pain is so overwhelming and you feel as though you've broken up into a million pieces that cannot be repaired by any1 or anything we do to make ourselves feel better..and we promise not to let ourselves get hurt again or let anyone else get close to us that way..it may not be wise, but it does protect ourselves from going thru it again..it is the only way to continue with life..

stress stress stress

lately..i'm only getting up to 4 hours sleep daily n i'm getting more and more tired as time pass..rushing for thesis and preparing for presentation was no fun..but it's a race to the end..presentation was bad..i screwed up by being too nervous and distracted by ppl who pass by the room..when i looked back onto the presentation slides, i blanked out..i could not remember what i was presenting and what those gel images represent..there goes half my presentation trying to make up words and ideas since what i've remembered and prepared before the presentation has completely disappeared..in my mind at that time for each and every slide = aiks, what is this now? looks familiar but what did i do and why did i do that? so basically i started the presentation ok..but ended badly..Q&A i was still blanked out til i can't understand the questions directed to me..and my examiner was scary >.<

what's worse?? my laptop's adaptor died on me..according to lyn, it was a short circuit..cuz my laptop turn off completely the moment the adaptor died..my heart stopped beating the moment it happened..cuz over the past few weeks i've been relying completely on my laptop to get my thesis work done..my hse pc does not have the windows office 2007 version and it's hard to work with the simple version of word..i feel completely lost and helpless without word 2007..sigh..of all the times it could happen, why now? =/ but at least i've managed to get help from my very reliable friends..one offered to lend me the microsoft office cd, while another offered to lend me her spare adaptor in 2 days time..i feel grateful to be able to get the help i need at this moment..

it's just one of those days..

ever felt that everything you do just isn't good enough? and everything you do just seems pointless and you don't know why you are doing it when it's a waste of time and effort? when what you do can't seem to change things for the better or bring back what was lost? when people around you seem disappointed at you cuz you could not perform up to their expectations? or even when people around you seem to look at you with that expression that you know they are looking down upon you? ever felt as though there is no one truly there for you or care about you when you need someone? and the person closest to you might just be the one that lets you down the most? ever felt so rejected until you just stop allowing yourself to get close to anyone so that no one could hurt that part of you that is vulnerable and no one could see you cry? ever felt that the once so familiar surrounding and the people have turned into something very foreign and distant? ever hide in a place to be alone just to cry because it hurts all the way from inside to the outside? well..i've had these moments lately..and it can be awfully tiring..there are times when i really just feel like letting go of everything, pack up, run away to somewhere new and start anew..and yet..i just can't let go and give up..